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Desperate Times, Desperate Presents

The last-minute gift guide for stuff nobody needs



 



If you’ve read this column during any previous December, you’ll recognize my tried-and-true(ish) pattern of saving up all my excitement for Christmas until mere days before the big, blessed event. I say, why not concentrate all the ill-behaved crowds-in-my-bubble, plagues of bad drivers and hasty decision-making anxiety into one big holiday clambake?
 

I stand firmly in the camp of shoppers who know they’re searching for gifts for people who don’t need one. more. thing. On my Big List of Dread, holiday shopping ranks slightly higher than waking up during a colonoscopy. Still, I don’t want to be the one who receives a gift (that I don’t need) without reciprocating with a gift (that the recipient doesn’t need).

For the past several Christmases, I’ve been easing my family into liquor-only gifts. By this time next year, it’s likely we’ll all be registered at Byron’s. For everyone else, however, I’ve canvassed the holiday landscape on Amazon in an unseasonably early pre-shopping exercise that I’m not likely to repeat anytime soon. I don’t expect to score a once-in-a-decade miracle, but I’ll settle (therefore, my recipients must settle) for just the right gift that says, “I’m so glad your happiness isn’t tied to this socially obligatory gesture.”

“Practical” describes Snittens, the Original Snot Mittens ($20; amazon.com), the absorbent solution to a cold weather-induced runny nose. In the competition for Gifts That Have a Not-So-Subtle Subtext, this gift is a worthy contender, right behind LED-lighted tweezers. The subtext for lighted tweezers is probably, “Look, man (ma’am), you’ve got hair sticking out in every zip code. You need to get on that. I got you the lighted tweezers so that even a power outage won’t be an excuse to put off what has to be done.”

The Snittens subtext is not ambiguous, either. It says, “Look, man (ma’am), I can see that tweezing all that nose hair caused a secondary issue. You’ve got nothing to block the drainage from your nose. Here are some gloves that you can use as a Kleenex® until your nose hair grows back in.” It also says, “I don’t plan on shaking your hand.”

Another gift that boasts daily use is the call-it-when-you-see-it BS button (about $9; amazon.com), which lights up like Rudolph’s nose and announces, “That was BS!” or, “BS detected: take precautions!” when pressed. The wailing siren sound effects ensure that anyone within earshot will be alerted to malarkey in their immediate area. Perfect for office use, or to keep within reach during televised political debates.

The recent removal of one of Amazon’s most practical gifts, the Imaginary Friend ($10; no longer available – sorry, buddy), has redirected the attention of the lonely marketplace toward what is predicted to be the hottest, if not the least practical, gift of the season: Hatchimals (prices vary wildly, depending upon your level of desperation or poor judgment).

Undoubtedly the Christmas morning fantasy of every 7-year-old girl, Hatchimals are collectible toy animals, encased in a plastic egg that can’t hatch without constant interaction and attention from the owner (an ownership requirement previously reserved for iPhones).

According to the manufacturer, the Hatchimal actually pecks its way out of its egg after indicating (with its rainbow eyes aglow inside the egg) that it’s go-time. Once it hatches, the Hatchimal must be “raised” through three stages of maturity.

Details on the product description were vague, but it’s likely that the three stages of maturity are 1.) “I must have a Hatchimal for Christmas!” 2.) “Christmas will be ruined if I don’t get my hands on a Hatchimal!” and 3.) “I’m taking that Hatchimal money down to Byron’s, and I’ll thank you to keep your Snittens off the Tito’s.”

 

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Calendar

December 2017

Ted Moore Auto Group has signed up six of its automotive dealership stores to collect food for the Regional Food Bank of Oklahoma this holiday season. The food drives will be held in the stores at...

Cost: Free

Where:
, OK


Sponsor: Ted Moore Auto Group
Telephone: 405.609.3455
Contact Name: Michelle Gray
Website »

More information

Santa’s Wonderland returns to Bass Pro Shops, and Oklahoma City-area families are invited to enjoy this magical Christmas village, offering free photos with Santa and free family holiday...

Cost: Free

Where:
Bass Pro Shops
200 Bass Pro Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »

More information

The spectacular Oklahoma holiday tradition returns with a stunning set and sparkling costumes in Lyric's production of Charles Dickens' classic, A Christmas Carol. Go on a magical journey...

Cost: $30-60 (military/child discounts available)

Where:
Lyric Theatre of Oklahoma
1727 NW 16th St
Oklahoma City, OK  73106
View map »


Sponsor: Lyric Theatre of Oklahoma
Telephone: 405.524.9312
Contact Name: Cynthia Bedford
Website »

More information

Rockin' vibes with Oklahoma's Adam Miller. NOIR serves craft cocktails, delish food, and BRUNCH after 10:30p! No Cover! Smoke- and Vape-Free

Cost: Free

Where:
NOIR Bistro & Bar
701 W Sheridan Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: NOIR Bistro & Bar
Telephone: 405.208.4233
Website »

More information

This marks the first time this remarkable collection has been exhibited internationally. OKCMOA will present some of the most important works from the Victoria and Albert’s outstanding...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

A slice of American (and Oklahoman) history retakes the spotlight in this exhibition of works created under the New Deal's Federal Art Project.

Where:
OKC Museum of Art
415 Couch
OKC, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Commemorating the 110th anniversary of Oklahoma statehood, “The Art of Oklahoma” celebrates the Museum’s outstanding and diverse collection of art created by or about...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Our working ceramics studio boasts six working instructors, several studio volunteers and countless students. The ceramics program offers classes for students of all skill levels and runs open...

Cost: Free to browse

Where:
Oklahoma Contemporary
3000 General Pershing Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73107
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

ArtNow is Oklahoma Contemporary's annual exhibition of Oklahoma-based contemporary artists. The ~25 artists featured in the exhibit also attend the ArtNow event so that guests can learn about...

Cost: Free to view

Where:
Oklahoma Contemporary
3000 General Pershing Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73107
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Ted Moore Auto Group has signed up six of its automotive dealership stores to collect food for the Regional Food Bank of Oklahoma this holiday season. The food drives will be held in the stores at...

Cost: Free

Where:
, OK


Sponsor: Ted Moore Auto Group
Telephone: 405.609.3455
Contact Name: Michelle Gray
Website »

More information

Santa’s Wonderland returns to Bass Pro Shops, and Oklahoma City-area families are invited to enjoy this magical Christmas village, offering free photos with Santa and free family holiday...

Cost: Free

Where:
Bass Pro Shops
200 Bass Pro Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Our working ceramics studio boasts six working instructors, several studio volunteers and countless students. The ceramics program offers classes for students of all skill levels and runs open...

Cost: Free to browse

Where:
Oklahoma Contemporary
3000 General Pershing Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73107
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

ArtNow is Oklahoma Contemporary's annual exhibition of Oklahoma-based contemporary artists. The ~25 artists featured in the exhibit also attend the ArtNow event so that guests can learn about...

Cost: Free to view

Where:
Oklahoma Contemporary
3000 General Pershing Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73107
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Ted Moore Auto Group has signed up six of its automotive dealership stores to collect food for the Regional Food Bank of Oklahoma this holiday season. The food drives will be held in the stores at...

Cost: Free

Where:
, OK


Sponsor: Ted Moore Auto Group
Telephone: 405.609.3455
Contact Name: Michelle Gray
Website »

More information

Santa’s Wonderland returns to Bass Pro Shops, and Oklahoma City-area families are invited to enjoy this magical Christmas village, offering free photos with Santa and free family holiday...

Cost: Free

Where:
Bass Pro Shops
200 Bass Pro Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »

More information

A slice of American (and Oklahoman) history retakes the spotlight in this exhibition of works created under the New Deal's Federal Art Project.

Where:
OKC Museum of Art
415 Couch
OKC, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

This marks the first time this remarkable collection has been exhibited internationally. OKCMOA will present some of the most important works from the Victoria and Albert’s outstanding...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Commemorating the 110th anniversary of Oklahoma statehood, “The Art of Oklahoma” celebrates the Museum’s outstanding and diverse collection of art created by or about...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

ArtNow is Oklahoma Contemporary's annual exhibition of Oklahoma-based contemporary artists. The ~25 artists featured in the exhibit also attend the ArtNow event so that guests can learn about...

Cost: Free to view

Where:
Oklahoma Contemporary
3000 General Pershing Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73107
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Our working ceramics studio boasts six working instructors, several studio volunteers and countless students. The ceramics program offers classes for students of all skill levels and runs open...

Cost: Free to browse

Where:
Oklahoma Contemporary
3000 General Pershing Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73107
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Ted Moore Auto Group has signed up six of its automotive dealership stores to collect food for the Regional Food Bank of Oklahoma this holiday season. The food drives will be held in the stores at...

Cost: Free

Where:
, OK


Sponsor: Ted Moore Auto Group
Telephone: 405.609.3455
Contact Name: Michelle Gray
Website »

More information

Santa’s Wonderland returns to Bass Pro Shops, and Oklahoma City-area families are invited to enjoy this magical Christmas village, offering free photos with Santa and free family holiday...

Cost: Free

Where:
Bass Pro Shops
200 Bass Pro Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »

More information

Oklahoma City native Ginna Dowling will install a visual storytelling called Hieroglyphics 2017: The Spirit of Our People, based on what Dowling calls “contemporary community...

Cost: Free

Where:
Oklahoma Contemporary's Showroom
1146 N. Broadway Drive
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.604.0042
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

The spectacular Oklahoma holiday tradition returns with a stunning set and sparkling costumes in Lyric's production of Charles Dickens' classic, A Christmas Carol. Go on a magical journey...

Cost: $30-60 (military/child discounts available)

Where:
Lyric Theatre of Oklahoma
1727 NW 16th St
Oklahoma City, OK  73106
View map »


Sponsor: Lyric Theatre of Oklahoma
Telephone: 405.524.9312
Contact Name: Cynthia Bedford
Website »

More information

Commemorating the 110th anniversary of Oklahoma statehood, “The Art of Oklahoma” celebrates the Museum’s outstanding and diverse collection of art created by or about...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

This marks the first time this remarkable collection has been exhibited internationally. OKCMOA will present some of the most important works from the Victoria and Albert’s outstanding...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

A slice of American (and Oklahoman) history retakes the spotlight in this exhibition of works created under the New Deal's Federal Art Project.

Where:
OKC Museum of Art
415 Couch
OKC, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Our working ceramics studio boasts six working instructors, several studio volunteers and countless students. The ceramics program offers classes for students of all skill levels and runs open...

Cost: Free to browse

Where:
Oklahoma Contemporary
3000 General Pershing Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73107
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

ArtNow is Oklahoma Contemporary's annual exhibition of Oklahoma-based contemporary artists. The ~25 artists featured in the exhibit also attend the ArtNow event so that guests can learn about...

Cost: Free to view

Where:
Oklahoma Contemporary
3000 General Pershing Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73107
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Ted Moore Auto Group has signed up six of its automotive dealership stores to collect food for the Regional Food Bank of Oklahoma this holiday season. The food drives will be held in the stores at...

Cost: Free

Where:
, OK


Sponsor: Ted Moore Auto Group
Telephone: 405.609.3455
Contact Name: Michelle Gray
Website »

More information

Santa’s Wonderland returns to Bass Pro Shops, and Oklahoma City-area families are invited to enjoy this magical Christmas village, offering free photos with Santa and free family holiday...

Cost: Free

Where:
Bass Pro Shops
200 Bass Pro Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »

More information

Oklahoma City native Ginna Dowling will install a visual storytelling called Hieroglyphics 2017: The Spirit of Our People, based on what Dowling calls “contemporary community...

Cost: Free

Where:
Oklahoma Contemporary's Showroom
1146 N. Broadway Drive
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.604.0042
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

The spectacular Oklahoma holiday tradition returns with a stunning set and sparkling costumes in Lyric's production of Charles Dickens' classic, A Christmas Carol. Go on a magical journey...

Cost: $30-60 (military/child discounts available)

Where:
Lyric Theatre of Oklahoma
1727 NW 16th St
Oklahoma City, OK  73106
View map »


Sponsor: Lyric Theatre of Oklahoma
Telephone: 405.524.9312
Contact Name: Cynthia Bedford
Website »

More information

The City Cabaret OKC returns this December with their sure-to-sell-out holiday sensation, "Retro Wonderland," at the Paramount Theatre between Main & Sheridan in Oklahoma City's...

Cost: $25

Where:
The Paramount Theatre OKC
11 North Lee Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »

More information

This marks the first time this remarkable collection has been exhibited internationally. OKCMOA will present some of the most important works from the Victoria and Albert’s outstanding...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

This year, we’re proud to present a series of Christmas cult classics and holiday hidden gems designed to combat shopping fatigue, winter blues, and Mannheim Steamroller-induced insanity....

Cost: $9 adults, $7 seniors

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

A slice of American (and Oklahoman) history retakes the spotlight in this exhibition of works created under the New Deal's Federal Art Project.

Where:
OKC Museum of Art
415 Couch
OKC, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Commemorating the 110th anniversary of Oklahoma statehood, “The Art of Oklahoma” celebrates the Museum’s outstanding and diverse collection of art created by or about...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

ArtNow is Oklahoma Contemporary's annual exhibition of Oklahoma-based contemporary artists. The ~25 artists featured in the exhibit also attend the ArtNow event so that guests can learn about...

Cost: Free to view

Where:
Oklahoma Contemporary
3000 General Pershing Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73107
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Santa’s Wonderland returns to Bass Pro Shops, and Oklahoma City-area families are invited to enjoy this magical Christmas village, offering free photos with Santa and free family holiday...

Cost: Free

Where:
Bass Pro Shops
200 Bass Pro Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »

More information

Oklahoma City native Ginna Dowling will install a visual storytelling called Hieroglyphics 2017: The Spirit of Our People, based on what Dowling calls “contemporary community...

Cost: Free

Where:
Oklahoma Contemporary's Showroom
1146 N. Broadway Drive
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.604.0042
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

The spectacular Oklahoma holiday tradition returns with a stunning set and sparkling costumes in Lyric's production of Charles Dickens' classic, A Christmas Carol. Go on a magical journey...

Cost: $30-60 (military/child discounts available)

Where:
Lyric Theatre of Oklahoma
1727 NW 16th St
Oklahoma City, OK  73106
View map »


Sponsor: Lyric Theatre of Oklahoma
Telephone: 405.524.9312
Contact Name: Cynthia Bedford
Website »

More information

The City Cabaret OKC returns this December with their sure-to-sell-out holiday sensation, "Retro Wonderland," at the Paramount Theatre between Main & Sheridan in Oklahoma City's...

Cost: $25

Where:
The Paramount Theatre OKC
11 North Lee Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »

More information

What do you get when you mix the twisted mind of Brian Hamilton, the morally askew producers who brought you “Screw the Eggnog, Pass the Rum” and the musical stylings of Michael Todd...

Cost: $10

Where:
The Paramount Theatre OKC
11 North Lee Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Website »

More information

Commemorating the 110th anniversary of Oklahoma statehood, “The Art of Oklahoma” celebrates the Museum’s outstanding and diverse collection of art created by or about...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

This year, we’re proud to present a series of Christmas cult classics and holiday hidden gems designed to combat shopping fatigue, winter blues, and Mannheim Steamroller-induced insanity....

Cost: $9 adults, $7 seniors

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

This marks the first time this remarkable collection has been exhibited internationally. OKCMOA will present some of the most important works from the Victoria and Albert’s outstanding...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

A slice of American (and Oklahoman) history retakes the spotlight in this exhibition of works created under the New Deal's Federal Art Project.

Where:
OKC Museum of Art
415 Couch
OKC, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

ArtNow is Oklahoma Contemporary's annual exhibition of Oklahoma-based contemporary artists. The ~25 artists featured in the exhibit also attend the ArtNow event so that guests can learn about...

Cost: Free to view

Where:
Oklahoma Contemporary
3000 General Pershing Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73107
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Santa’s Wonderland returns to Bass Pro Shops, and Oklahoma City-area families are invited to enjoy this magical Christmas village, offering free photos with Santa and free family holiday...

Cost: Free

Where:
Bass Pro Shops
200 Bass Pro Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »

More information

Oklahoma City native Ginna Dowling will install a visual storytelling called Hieroglyphics 2017: The Spirit of Our People, based on what Dowling calls “contemporary community...

Cost: Free

Where:
Oklahoma Contemporary's Showroom
1146 N. Broadway Drive
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.604.0042
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

The City Cabaret OKC returns this December with their sure-to-sell-out holiday sensation, "Retro Wonderland," at the Paramount Theatre between Main & Sheridan in Oklahoma City's...

Cost: $25

Where:
The Paramount Theatre OKC
11 North Lee Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »

More information

The spectacular Oklahoma holiday tradition returns with a stunning set and sparkling costumes in Lyric's production of Charles Dickens' classic, A Christmas Carol. Go on a magical journey...

Cost: $30-60 (military/child discounts available)

Where:
Lyric Theatre of Oklahoma
1727 NW 16th St
Oklahoma City, OK  73106
View map »


Sponsor: Lyric Theatre of Oklahoma
Telephone: 405.524.9312
Contact Name: Cynthia Bedford
Website »

More information

What do you get when you mix the twisted mind of Brian Hamilton, the morally askew producers who brought you “Screw the Eggnog, Pass the Rum” and the musical stylings of Michael Todd...

Cost: $10

Where:
The Paramount Theatre OKC
11 North Lee Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Website »

More information

This year, we’re proud to present a series of Christmas cult classics and holiday hidden gems designed to combat shopping fatigue, winter blues, and Mannheim Steamroller-induced insanity....

Cost: $9 adults, $7 seniors

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Commemorating the 110th anniversary of Oklahoma statehood, “The Art of Oklahoma” celebrates the Museum’s outstanding and diverse collection of art created by or about...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

A slice of American (and Oklahoman) history retakes the spotlight in this exhibition of works created under the New Deal's Federal Art Project.

Where:
OKC Museum of Art
415 Couch
OKC, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

This marks the first time this remarkable collection has been exhibited internationally. OKCMOA will present some of the most important works from the Victoria and Albert’s outstanding...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...
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