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Prediction Addiction

An imprecise psychic look ahead to 2017



 



If there’s one thing I enjoy at the start of the new year, it’s building a roaring fire and kicking back with a good read – specifically, with a riveting list of coming attractions for the year in the form of psychic predictions. Whether they’re the devil’s playbook or life’s sometimes-legitimate warning label, they are, as predicted, supremely entertaining.
 

This month marks the 20th anniversary of the “crossing over” of one of the all-time greats among the dearly departed. Long before Nancy Reagan’s astrologers, the Psychic Friends Network, Miss Cleo or the Long Island Medium, there reigned Jeane “Queen of the Unseen” Dixon, whose syndicated annual predictions could often compel readers to take an alternate route to work – thanks in part to a few home run predictions she’d knocked out of the park, including accurately predicting the deaths of FDR, Joseph Stalin and JFK. (It’s reasonable to think Dixon’s name would be casually removed from the White House guest lists of Nixon and the Reagans; apparently, she remained a hit at parties.)

Although many still carry the stale whiff of Dionne Warwick, psychic websites abound on the Internet. The sheer volume of annual predictions makes it more difficult to separate the psychic wheat from the dabbling chaff, especially during years when drought, famine and pest infestation are predicted to spark a global disruption in the food supply and cripple the American farmer.

In my quest to find a reliable new steady amid the psychic fray for some 2017 predictions, I came across a psychic’s website that actually came with a warning (and really, shouldn’t they all come with a warning?) which read, Warning: do not read if negative visions of the future make you depressed or distressed. Of course, that’s good advice for anyone to heed, but it’s also the kind of titillating advisory that makes you lean in for a closer look, the same way you do when the newscaster says, “The graphic nature of what you’re about to see may be disturbing to some viewers.” To me, that’s code for, “Get in here and turn it up. You’re not going to believe this!”

Naturally, I leaned in for a closer look and discovered (spoiler alert!) that 2017 is the year we’re all doomed, according to the psychic bloggers who contribute to the site. Knowing there’s a possibility of depressing or distressing readers with these negative visions, I’ll extend the same warning for these carefully curated, month-by-month predictions. If you’re reading this online, print out a copy to tuck away in the [predicted] event that you find yourself running to outpace the flow of hot lava behind you.

I’ve already done some of the presorting, editing out scads of unspecific, broad-brushstroke predictions that have all the substance of cotton candy to information-starved readers (i.e., “sometimes the market will be up and sometimes it will be down,” “a beloved celebrity will die,” or “some countries will experience droughts while others experience floods.” Riveting!) Here are the year’s hotspots:

January: Politician in handcuffs after being arrested (and just in time for February sweeps!)

February: Texas secedes from the U.S. (more pressing issue: does the groundhog see his shadow?)

March: All hell breaks loose in the U.S. (this can only mean someone important will get kicked off “The Voice”)

April: Congress in shambles (bigger concern: what time will it be in Phoenix when Daylight Savings begins?)

May: A direct quote: “World Stops” (the preppers were right!)

June: Air strikes, military engagement (apparently, the world will reboot and resume its normal activity)

July: Laurel and Hardy in the news (this sounds like a stunt to improve the national mood)

August: Crabs in the news (use the cream, people!)

September: Secret meetings at Camp David (not a secret anymore)

October: DNA discovery (ruh-roh … someone’s busted)

November: Ghost towns in the news (please don’t let it be Michael Jackson’s Neverland)

December: Lawyer corruption (but when you need one, you need one)

As the curator of the list, I’ll be keeping a copy to check off any events that actually come to pass (except during the month of May, when the world will stop). You, on the other hand, should throw this list out and make it a happy and wonderful 2017. Cheers!

 

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Calendar

September 2018

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Cost: $250

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425 NW 23rd St
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Sponsor: BigWing
Telephone: 405.475.4185
Contact Name: Janelle Archer
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This year will mark the eighth time the John F. Kennedy Awards have been celebrated, honoring individuals making a significant contribution to Oklahoma, its communities and its people, while paying...

Cost: $300

Where:
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1 Park Ave.
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Sponsor: Santa Fe Family Life Center
Telephone: 405-840-1817
Contact Name: James Timberlake
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More than 20 speakers in a one-track session designed for the digital marketing professional, marketer, business owner or anyone interested in branding, PR, advertising, social media, SEO, search,...

Cost: $250

Where:
Tower Theatre
425 NW 23rd St
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View map »


Sponsor: BigWing
Telephone: 405.475.4185
Contact Name: Janelle Archer
Website »

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Price Tower Art Gallery in Bartlesville will host Women Artists of the West's 48th annual juried art exhibition, featuring over 200 original art works, created by women in all mediums, subjects...

Cost: Free 2018-09-21,22,23

Where:
Price Tower Art Gallery
510 S. Dewey Ave.
Bartlesville, OK  74003
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Sponsor: Price Tower Arts Center
Telephone: 918.336.4949
Contact Name: Angelina Bourgou
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Escape the ordinary, and learn about OKC from a different point of view. Relax in the climate controlled cabin on one of our 65’ cruisers, or enjoy the breeze on the viewing deck and listen...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

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Regatta Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
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Telephone: 405.702.7755
Contact Name: Business Office
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A fabulous art auction to raise money to help support Oklahoma A+ Schools at UCO.

Cost: $100

Where:
CHK|Central Boathouse
732 Riversport Dr.
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Sponsor: Oklahoma A+ Schools at UCO
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The evening Cocktail Cruise offers stunning views of the downtown skyline, the Boathouse District and Finish Line Tower, the Wheeler Ferris wheel and quite possibly an amazing Oklahoma sunset. Come...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

Where:
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701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
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Cost: $10 for adults or children six and older

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Stars and Stripes Park
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Oklahoma City , OK  73116
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Telephone: 405.403.7762
Contact Name: Emily Drover
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Let’s end childhood cancer. Together! This September, supporters across the country will unite to participate in the St. Jude Walk/Run to End Childhood Cancer, an exciting, family-friendly...

Cost: $10 for Registration

Where:
Stars and Stripes Park
3701 S Lake Hefner Dr
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Sponsor: ALSAC St. Jude Oklahoma City
Telephone: 405.403.7762
Contact Name: Emily Drover
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Price Tower Art Gallery in Bartlesville will host Women Artists of the West's 48th annual juried art exhibition, featuring over 200 original art works, created by women in all mediums, subjects...

Cost: Free 2018-09-21,22,23

Where:
Price Tower Art Gallery
510 S. Dewey Ave.
Bartlesville, OK  74003
View map »


Sponsor: Price Tower Arts Center
Telephone: 918.336.4949
Contact Name: Angelina Bourgou
Website »

More information

Escape the ordinary, and learn about OKC from a different point of view. Relax in the climate controlled cabin on one of our 65’ cruisers, or enjoy the breeze on the viewing deck and listen...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

Where:
Regatta Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
OKC, OK  73109
View map »


Telephone: 405.702.7755
Contact Name: Business Office
Website »

More information

The evening Cocktail Cruise offers stunning views of the downtown skyline, the Boathouse District and Finish Line Tower, the Wheeler Ferris wheel and quite possibly an amazing Oklahoma sunset. Come...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

Where:
Regatta Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
OKC, OK  73109
View map »


Telephone: 405.702.7755
Contact Name: Business Office
Website »

More information

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