Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags

To the Spam Brigade

In search of Bomb Rocket Woman



 



It’s probably like this for you: Someone refers to an email you’re sure you never received. While scanning your junk folder, you scroll past an endless clambake of X-rated solicitations from sketchy senders.
 

A public service announcement is warranted here (mainly for my mom, who might recently have become engaged – by phone – to a Nigerian prince who is just days away from inheriting a very large sum of money): Don’t open those emails!

If junk folders were people, mine would be Sybil, of multiple personalities fame. It frequently heralds the great news that my line of credit has been approved, while accusing me of having a crippling gambling habit. It places equal value on the strength of both my abdominals and my financial future (the way a Nigerian prince might). It’s a one-stop shop for all the prescription drugs I’ll ever need – and never need – all at drastically reduced prices, without a prescription.

My junk folder seems to fret about the slightest degree of loneliness that could descend upon me before the night is over. It doesn’t give a flip that I’m neither a man nor a lesbian. It’s just betting high that I’m sad and alone somewhere, suffering from erectile dysfunction (which could be cured by the many beautiful Asian or Russian women who are online now and waiting to meet me).

The junk folder is also a conduit for many email senders who go to great emoji lengths to beg for a reply. Consider this article to be my reply, Love Swans, Asian Beauties Team, Angelina, Sexy Becca, Lonely Asian Girls, Anastasia Single Team, Kiss4You Team, Gorgeous Singles, Asia Charm, Love Sexy, Russian Dating, Ringing Ears, Fastest Fat Burner and Admin Service. I hope you’re reading.

 



<3 Mouna <3 sent a touching message in the subject line: Hi Laurenhammack, <3 I still love you! Please reply!! <3

Dear Mouna,
Thank you for your tender expression of enduring affection for me, but I don’t love you back.
 



Alex. (I guess the period is part of the name) writes: Hi, do you remember me?

Dear Alex.,
I do remember you – primarily because you sent the same message yesterday and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that…
 



<3<3 Romance Tale <3<3 writes: Are you still alone?

Dear Romance Tale,
Why, no, I’m not alone. Love Swans, Asian Beauties Team, Angelina, Sexy Becca, Lonely Asian Girls, Anastasia Single Team, Kiss4You Team, Gorgeous Singles, Asia Charm, Love Sexy, Russian Dating, Ringing Ears, Fastest Fat Burner and Admin Service are keeping me company 24/7/365.
 



Love Swans (a devoted emailer) asks: Looking for a gorgeous and a bomb Rocket woman?

Dear Love Swans,
Um, what? You’re not from around here, are you? I want to take a red pen to that freetranslation.com subject line of yours. Now that you’ve slipped into my email as unannounced as Jack Ruby, I’ll spend the rest of the night wondering:  a.) What the hell is a bomb Rocket woman?  b.) What would I do if I found one? and c.) Will I go to prison one day for having the words “bomb,” “Rocket” and “woman” appear multiple times on my hard drive?
 



With a promiscuous peppering of ALL CAPS, ORANGE PILL writes: SECRETS to perfect FEMALE satisfaction.

Dear ORANGE PILL,
You are being promoted to my inbox. Let’s discuss.
 


By far, the most intriguing message I’ve seen in my junk folder in years is one I received a week or two ago from a friend who died two years ago.

I’m too superstitious to open a message from the dead, but what if that’s all the junk folder really is – random, rapid-fire messages from the other side? Maybe our loved ones who have crossed over are worried about the size of our … well, you know … waistlines. Maybe they worry that we’re lonely or that we’re paying too much for Viagra. Maybe they really do know the secrets for burning fat and pleasing a woman. Maybe they can help me find a bomb Rocket woman.

 

 

Edit ModuleShow Tags

Archive »You Might Like

Feelin’ Hot, Hot, Hot

It’s the season for poolside or beachfront festivities – check out these recommendations for hot summer supplies.

Favorite Things: The Museum Store

Find an open range of tempting products in The Museum Store at the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum.

The Cacti Craze

These selections among cacti-themed decor have a Southwestern flair to keep your home looking sharp.

Add your comment:
Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags

Calendar

July 2018

Science and the Bible dramatically converge to reveal ancient Jerusalem’s most famous king-prophet pairing. In this interactive, multimedia exhibit, visitors discover the illuminating history...

Cost: Free

Where:
Armstrong Auditorium
Herbert W. Armstrong College
14400 S Bryant Ave
Edmond, OK  73034-8174
View map »


Sponsor: Armstrong International Cultural Foundation
Telephone: 405-285-1010
Contact Name: Shane Granger
Website »

More information

Commemorating the 110th anniversary of Oklahoma statehood, “The Art of Oklahoma” celebrates the Museum’s outstanding and diverse collection of art created by or about...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Science and the Bible dramatically converge to reveal ancient Jerusalem’s most famous king-prophet pairing. In this interactive, multimedia exhibit, visitors discover the illuminating history...

Cost: Free

Where:
Armstrong Auditorium
Herbert W. Armstrong College
14400 S Bryant Ave
Edmond, OK  73034-8174
View map »


Sponsor: Armstrong International Cultural Foundation
Telephone: 405-285-1010
Contact Name: Shane Granger
Website »

More information

 ORU offers a wide variety of summer camps from basketball camp to swimming camp for all ages. For a schedule and list of options, visit ORUCES.com/camps.

Cost: Prices Vary

Where:
Mabee Center
7777 S Lewis Ave
Tulsa, OK  74171
View map »


Telephone: 918.495.6000
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Science and the Bible dramatically converge to reveal ancient Jerusalem’s most famous king-prophet pairing. In this interactive, multimedia exhibit, visitors discover the illuminating history...

Cost: Free

Where:
Armstrong Auditorium
Herbert W. Armstrong College
14400 S Bryant Ave
Edmond, OK  73034-8174
View map »


Sponsor: Armstrong International Cultural Foundation
Telephone: 405-285-1010
Contact Name: Shane Granger
Website »

More information

 ORU offers a wide variety of summer camps from basketball camp to swimming camp for all ages. For a schedule and list of options, visit ORUCES.com/camps.

Cost: Prices Vary

Where:
Mabee Center
7777 S Lewis Ave
Tulsa, OK  74171
View map »


Telephone: 918.495.6000
Website »

More information

Join us in celebrating Brown Estate Wine and their first time in Oklahoma! MMR Prime Steakhouse is excited to offer Brown, Napa Valley wines with delicious pairings prepared by our Chef, Jonas...

Cost: $79 per person, plus tax and gratuity

Where:
MMR Prime Steakhouse
2920 NW 63rd
Oklahoma City, OK  73116
View map »


Telephone: 405-608-8866
Contact Name: Dan Hayes
Website »

More information

Commemorating the 110th anniversary of Oklahoma statehood, “The Art of Oklahoma” celebrates the Museum’s outstanding and diverse collection of art created by or about...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Science and the Bible dramatically converge to reveal ancient Jerusalem’s most famous king-prophet pairing. In this interactive, multimedia exhibit, visitors discover the illuminating history...

Cost: Free

Where:
Armstrong Auditorium
Herbert W. Armstrong College
14400 S Bryant Ave
Edmond, OK  73034-8174
View map »


Sponsor: Armstrong International Cultural Foundation
Telephone: 405-285-1010
Contact Name: Shane Granger
Website »

More information

 ORU offers a wide variety of summer camps from basketball camp to swimming camp for all ages. For a schedule and list of options, visit ORUCES.com/camps.

Cost: Prices Vary

Where:
Mabee Center
7777 S Lewis Ave
Tulsa, OK  74171
View map »


Telephone: 918.495.6000
Website »

More information

Commemorating the 110th anniversary of Oklahoma statehood, “The Art of Oklahoma” celebrates the Museum’s outstanding and diverse collection of art created by or about...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Join us every Thursday this summer for morning yoga practice while enjoying the beautiful sunrise over Will Rogers Gardens. This class is designed for all skill levels, so grab your...

Cost: $5 per class

Where:
Will Rogers Gardens
3400 NW 36th St
Oklahoma City, OK  73112
View map »


Sponsor: OKC Parks and Recreation
Telephone: 405.297.2279
Contact Name: Becca Leon
Website »

More information

Science and the Bible dramatically converge to reveal ancient Jerusalem’s most famous king-prophet pairing. In this interactive, multimedia exhibit, visitors discover the illuminating history...

Cost: Free

Where:
Armstrong Auditorium
Herbert W. Armstrong College
14400 S Bryant Ave
Edmond, OK  73034-8174
View map »


Sponsor: Armstrong International Cultural Foundation
Telephone: 405-285-1010
Contact Name: Shane Granger
Website »

More information

 ORU offers a wide variety of summer camps from basketball camp to swimming camp for all ages. For a schedule and list of options, visit ORUCES.com/camps.

Cost: Prices Vary

Where:
Mabee Center
7777 S Lewis Ave
Tulsa, OK  74171
View map »


Telephone: 918.495.6000
Website »

More information

Commemorating the 110th anniversary of Oklahoma statehood, “The Art of Oklahoma” celebrates the Museum’s outstanding and diverse collection of art created by or about...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Science and the Bible dramatically converge to reveal ancient Jerusalem’s most famous king-prophet pairing. In this interactive, multimedia exhibit, visitors discover the illuminating history...

Cost: Free

Where:
Armstrong Auditorium
Herbert W. Armstrong College
14400 S Bryant Ave
Edmond, OK  73034-8174
View map »


Sponsor: Armstrong International Cultural Foundation
Telephone: 405-285-1010
Contact Name: Shane Granger
Website »

More information

 ORU offers a wide variety of summer camps from basketball camp to swimming camp for all ages. For a schedule and list of options, visit ORUCES.com/camps.

Cost: Prices Vary

Where:
Mabee Center
7777 S Lewis Ave
Tulsa, OK  74171
View map »


Telephone: 918.495.6000
Website »

More information

Kick your weekend off right while supporting a great cause - enjoy a Build Your Own Mule Bar, food, games, a raffle and live music by Justin Joslin. A $20 suggested donation at the door gets you 2...

Cost: $20 suggested donation

Where:
DC on Film Row
609 W Sheridan Ave
OKC, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: The Dragonfly Home
Telephone: 405.212.3378
Contact Name: Melissa Eick
Website »

More information

Escape the ordinary, and learn about OKC from a different point of view. Relax in the climate controlled cabin on one of our 65’ cruisers, or enjoy the breeze on the viewing deck and listen...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

Where:
Regatta Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
OKC, OK  73109
View map »


Telephone: 405.702.7755
Contact Name: Business Office
Website »

More information

The evening Cocktail Cruise offers stunning views of the downtown skyline, the Boathouse District and Finish Line Tower, the Wheeler Ferris wheel and quite possibly an amazing Oklahoma sunset. Come...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

Where:
Regatta Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
OKC, OK  73109
View map »


Telephone: 405.702.7755
Contact Name: Business Office
Website »

More information

Commemorating the 110th anniversary of Oklahoma statehood, “The Art of Oklahoma” celebrates the Museum’s outstanding and diverse collection of art created by or about...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Bring the family and join in on the fun for the 26th Annual Youth National Arabian and Half-Arabian Championship Horse Show. There will be great horse show classes, kids' activities,...

Cost: Free

Where:
Oklahoma State Fair
3001 General Pershing Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73107
View map »


Sponsor: Arabian Horse Association
Telephone: 303.696.4500
Contact Name: Mikayla Boge
Website »

More information

Escape the ordinary, and learn about OKC from a different point of view. Relax in the climate controlled cabin on one of our 65’ cruisers, or enjoy the breeze on the viewing deck and listen...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

Where:
Regatta Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
OKC, OK  73109
View map »


Telephone: 405.702.7755
Contact Name: Business Office
Website »

More information

Get your toga on and come dance to live music from the movie (and other songs to shake a tail feather to) by Hot Seat, celebrating the 40th anniversary of the movie Animal House.  Trivia...

Cost: $12-$20

Where:
The Paramount Room
701 W Sheridan Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: Revolve Productions
Telephone: 405.810.6977
Contact Name: Tobi Coleman
Website »

More information

The evening Cocktail Cruise offers stunning views of the downtown skyline, the Boathouse District and Finish Line Tower, the Wheeler Ferris wheel and quite possibly an amazing Oklahoma sunset. Come...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

Where:
Regatta Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
OKC, OK  73109
View map »


Telephone: 405.702.7755
Contact Name: Business Office
Website »

More information

Commemorating the 110th anniversary of Oklahoma statehood, “The Art of Oklahoma” celebrates the Museum’s outstanding and diverse collection of art created by or about...

Cost: Free with admission

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...
Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit Module Edit ModuleShow Tags