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To the Spam Brigade

In search of Bomb Rocket Woman



 



It’s probably like this for you: Someone refers to an email you’re sure you never received. While scanning your junk folder, you scroll past an endless clambake of X-rated solicitations from sketchy senders.
 

A public service announcement is warranted here (mainly for my mom, who might recently have become engaged – by phone – to a Nigerian prince who is just days away from inheriting a very large sum of money): Don’t open those emails!

If junk folders were people, mine would be Sybil, of multiple personalities fame. It frequently heralds the great news that my line of credit has been approved, while accusing me of having a crippling gambling habit. It places equal value on the strength of both my abdominals and my financial future (the way a Nigerian prince might). It’s a one-stop shop for all the prescription drugs I’ll ever need – and never need – all at drastically reduced prices, without a prescription.

My junk folder seems to fret about the slightest degree of loneliness that could descend upon me before the night is over. It doesn’t give a flip that I’m neither a man nor a lesbian. It’s just betting high that I’m sad and alone somewhere, suffering from erectile dysfunction (which could be cured by the many beautiful Asian or Russian women who are online now and waiting to meet me).

The junk folder is also a conduit for many email senders who go to great emoji lengths to beg for a reply. Consider this article to be my reply, Love Swans, Asian Beauties Team, Angelina, Sexy Becca, Lonely Asian Girls, Anastasia Single Team, Kiss4You Team, Gorgeous Singles, Asia Charm, Love Sexy, Russian Dating, Ringing Ears, Fastest Fat Burner and Admin Service. I hope you’re reading.

 



<3 Mouna <3 sent a touching message in the subject line: Hi Laurenhammack, <3 I still love you! Please reply!! <3

Dear Mouna,
Thank you for your tender expression of enduring affection for me, but I don’t love you back.
 



Alex. (I guess the period is part of the name) writes: Hi, do you remember me?

Dear Alex.,
I do remember you – primarily because you sent the same message yesterday and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that…
 



<3<3 Romance Tale <3<3 writes: Are you still alone?

Dear Romance Tale,
Why, no, I’m not alone. Love Swans, Asian Beauties Team, Angelina, Sexy Becca, Lonely Asian Girls, Anastasia Single Team, Kiss4You Team, Gorgeous Singles, Asia Charm, Love Sexy, Russian Dating, Ringing Ears, Fastest Fat Burner and Admin Service are keeping me company 24/7/365.
 



Love Swans (a devoted emailer) asks: Looking for a gorgeous and a bomb Rocket woman?

Dear Love Swans,
Um, what? You’re not from around here, are you? I want to take a red pen to that freetranslation.com subject line of yours. Now that you’ve slipped into my email as unannounced as Jack Ruby, I’ll spend the rest of the night wondering:  a.) What the hell is a bomb Rocket woman?  b.) What would I do if I found one? and c.) Will I go to prison one day for having the words “bomb,” “Rocket” and “woman” appear multiple times on my hard drive?
 



With a promiscuous peppering of ALL CAPS, ORANGE PILL writes: SECRETS to perfect FEMALE satisfaction.

Dear ORANGE PILL,
You are being promoted to my inbox. Let’s discuss.
 


By far, the most intriguing message I’ve seen in my junk folder in years is one I received a week or two ago from a friend who died two years ago.

I’m too superstitious to open a message from the dead, but what if that’s all the junk folder really is – random, rapid-fire messages from the other side? Maybe our loved ones who have crossed over are worried about the size of our … well, you know … waistlines. Maybe they worry that we’re lonely or that we’re paying too much for Viagra. Maybe they really do know the secrets for burning fat and pleasing a woman. Maybe they can help me find a bomb Rocket woman.

 

 

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September 2018

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More than 20 speakers in a one-track session designed for the digital marketing professional, marketer, business owner or anyone interested in branding, PR, advertising, social media, SEO, search,...

Cost: $250

Where:
Tower Theatre
425 NW 23rd St
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
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Sponsor: BigWing
Telephone: 405.475.4185
Contact Name: Janelle Archer
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This year will mark the eighth time the John F. Kennedy Awards have been celebrated, honoring individuals making a significant contribution to Oklahoma, its communities and its people, while paying...

Cost: $300

Where:
Skirvin Hilton Hotel
1 Park Ave.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
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Sponsor: Santa Fe Family Life Center
Telephone: 405-840-1817
Contact Name: James Timberlake
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More than 20 speakers in a one-track session designed for the digital marketing professional, marketer, business owner or anyone interested in branding, PR, advertising, social media, SEO, search,...

Cost: $250

Where:
Tower Theatre
425 NW 23rd St
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: BigWing
Telephone: 405.475.4185
Contact Name: Janelle Archer
Website »

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Price Tower Art Gallery in Bartlesville will host Women Artists of the West's 48th annual juried art exhibition, featuring over 200 original art works, created by women in all mediums, subjects...

Cost: Free 2018-09-21,22,23

Where:
Price Tower Art Gallery
510 S. Dewey Ave.
Bartlesville, OK  74003
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Sponsor: Price Tower Arts Center
Telephone: 918.336.4949
Contact Name: Angelina Bourgou
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Escape the ordinary, and learn about OKC from a different point of view. Relax in the climate controlled cabin on one of our 65’ cruisers, or enjoy the breeze on the viewing deck and listen...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

Where:
Regatta Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
OKC, OK  73109
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Telephone: 405.702.7755
Contact Name: Business Office
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A fabulous art auction to raise money to help support Oklahoma A+ Schools at UCO.

Cost: $100

Where:
CHK|Central Boathouse
732 Riversport Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73129
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Sponsor: Oklahoma A+ Schools at UCO
Telephone: 405.974.3791
Contact Name: Heather Bryant
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The evening Cocktail Cruise offers stunning views of the downtown skyline, the Boathouse District and Finish Line Tower, the Wheeler Ferris wheel and quite possibly an amazing Oklahoma sunset. Come...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

Where:
Regatta Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
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Telephone: 405.702.7755
Contact Name: Business Office
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Join supporters in communities across the nation for the St. Jude Walk/Run to End Childhood Cancer during Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. This family-friendly event raises funds to support the...

Cost: $10 for adults or children six and older

Where:
Stars and Stripes Park
3701 S. Lake Hefner Drive
Oklahoma City , OK  73116
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Telephone: 405.403.7762
Contact Name: Emily Drover
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Let’s end childhood cancer. Together! This September, supporters across the country will unite to participate in the St. Jude Walk/Run to End Childhood Cancer, an exciting, family-friendly...

Cost: $10 for Registration

Where:
Stars and Stripes Park
3701 S Lake Hefner Dr
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Sponsor: ALSAC St. Jude Oklahoma City
Telephone: 405.403.7762
Contact Name: Emily Drover
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Price Tower Art Gallery in Bartlesville will host Women Artists of the West's 48th annual juried art exhibition, featuring over 200 original art works, created by women in all mediums, subjects...

Cost: Free 2018-09-21,22,23

Where:
Price Tower Art Gallery
510 S. Dewey Ave.
Bartlesville, OK  74003
View map »


Sponsor: Price Tower Arts Center
Telephone: 918.336.4949
Contact Name: Angelina Bourgou
Website »

More information

Escape the ordinary, and learn about OKC from a different point of view. Relax in the climate controlled cabin on one of our 65’ cruisers, or enjoy the breeze on the viewing deck and listen...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

Where:
Regatta Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
OKC, OK  73109
View map »


Telephone: 405.702.7755
Contact Name: Business Office
Website »

More information

The evening Cocktail Cruise offers stunning views of the downtown skyline, the Boathouse District and Finish Line Tower, the Wheeler Ferris wheel and quite possibly an amazing Oklahoma sunset. Come...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

Where:
Regatta Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
OKC, OK  73109
View map »


Telephone: 405.702.7755
Contact Name: Business Office
Website »

More information

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