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Desperate Times, Desperate Presents

The last-minute gift guide for stuff nobody needs



 



If you’ve read this column during any previous December, you’ll recognize my tried-and-true(ish) pattern of saving up all my excitement for Christmas until mere days before the big, blessed event. I say, why not concentrate all the ill-behaved crowds-in-my-bubble, plagues of bad drivers and hasty decision-making anxiety into one big holiday clambake?
 

I stand firmly in the camp of shoppers who know they’re searching for gifts for people who don’t need one. more. thing. On my Big List of Dread, holiday shopping ranks slightly higher than waking up during a colonoscopy. Still, I don’t want to be the one who receives a gift (that I don’t need) without reciprocating with a gift (that the recipient doesn’t need).

For the past several Christmases, I’ve been easing my family into liquor-only gifts. By this time next year, it’s likely we’ll all be registered at Byron’s. For everyone else, however, I’ve canvassed the holiday landscape on Amazon in an unseasonably early pre-shopping exercise that I’m not likely to repeat anytime soon. I don’t expect to score a once-in-a-decade miracle, but I’ll settle (therefore, my recipients must settle) for just the right gift that says, “I’m so glad your happiness isn’t tied to this socially obligatory gesture.”

“Practical” describes Snittens, the Original Snot Mittens ($20; amazon.com), the absorbent solution to a cold weather-induced runny nose. In the competition for Gifts That Have a Not-So-Subtle Subtext, this gift is a worthy contender, right behind LED-lighted tweezers. The subtext for lighted tweezers is probably, “Look, man (ma’am), you’ve got hair sticking out in every zip code. You need to get on that. I got you the lighted tweezers so that even a power outage won’t be an excuse to put off what has to be done.”

The Snittens subtext is not ambiguous, either. It says, “Look, man (ma’am), I can see that tweezing all that nose hair caused a secondary issue. You’ve got nothing to block the drainage from your nose. Here are some gloves that you can use as a Kleenex® until your nose hair grows back in.” It also says, “I don’t plan on shaking your hand.”

Another gift that boasts daily use is the call-it-when-you-see-it BS button (about $9; amazon.com), which lights up like Rudolph’s nose and announces, “That was BS!” or, “BS detected: take precautions!” when pressed. The wailing siren sound effects ensure that anyone within earshot will be alerted to malarkey in their immediate area. Perfect for office use, or to keep within reach during televised political debates.

The recent removal of one of Amazon’s most practical gifts, the Imaginary Friend ($10; no longer available – sorry, buddy), has redirected the attention of the lonely marketplace toward what is predicted to be the hottest, if not the least practical, gift of the season: Hatchimals (prices vary wildly, depending upon your level of desperation or poor judgment).

Undoubtedly the Christmas morning fantasy of every 7-year-old girl, Hatchimals are collectible toy animals, encased in a plastic egg that can’t hatch without constant interaction and attention from the owner (an ownership requirement previously reserved for iPhones).

According to the manufacturer, the Hatchimal actually pecks its way out of its egg after indicating (with its rainbow eyes aglow inside the egg) that it’s go-time. Once it hatches, the Hatchimal must be “raised” through three stages of maturity.

Details on the product description were vague, but it’s likely that the three stages of maturity are 1.) “I must have a Hatchimal for Christmas!” 2.) “Christmas will be ruined if I don’t get my hands on a Hatchimal!” and 3.) “I’m taking that Hatchimal money down to Byron’s, and I’ll thank you to keep your Snittens off the Tito’s.”

 

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Calendar

April 2019

Meet all the Princesses at The Oklahoma City Fairytale Ball. This magical event is full of memorable moments you won't want to miss! Dance with Cinderella; read with Rapunzel; share sweet...

Cost: $25-$60

Where:
La Bella
6701 W Wilshire Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73132
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Sponsor: Pretty Princess Parties & Project Princess
Telephone: 405-777-2411
Contact Name: Brooke Potter
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Cost: Free

Where:
Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
1 Nature Place
McKinney, TX  75069
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Sponsor: Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
Telephone: 972.562.5566
Contact Name: Stephanie Jennings
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Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
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Telephone: 405.478.2250
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Saviour is a pop-classical oratorio which takes its audience from creation through resurrection and is a picture of God pursuing His people. Its unique and powerful music will showcase the Voices...

Cost: Free

Where:
Crossings Community Church - OKC Campus
14600 North Portland Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73134
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Sponsor: Crossings Community Church
Telephone: 405-302-1258
Contact Name: Lori Bunyar
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Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

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Cost: Free

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Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
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Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
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Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
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Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
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Cost: $15 per person

Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
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Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
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Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
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Cost: Free

Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
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Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
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Cost: Free

Where:
OCCC Visual and Performing Arts Center Theater
7777 S May Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73159
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Sponsor: Oklahoma City Community College
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Cost: Free

Where:
Kendra Scott
5810 N Classen Blvd #2
Oklahoma City, OK  73118
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Sponsor: Kendra Scott
Telephone: 405.241.4203
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The National Summit on Homeland Security Law, 2019, in collaboration with the American College of Environmental Lawyers (ACOEL), is bringing to you two days of programming presented by homeland...

Cost: $0-$125

Where:
Oklahoma City University School of Law
800 N Harvey Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
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Sponsor: Oklahoma City University School of Law
Telephone: 405-208-6300
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Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
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Cost: Free

Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
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Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
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Cost: $5

Where:
amshot
428 Dean A McGee Ave.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
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Sponsor: amshot
Telephone: 405.594.7642
Contact Name: Lexi Belvis
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Cost: Free

Where:
Verbode Urban Core Artists
415 North Broadway, Suite 101
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
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Sponsor: Verbode, Valor Bank, Hive Design Team
Telephone: 405.604.7947
Contact Name: Christie Owen
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Michael Sims established The Lawrence Lithography Workshop in 1979 in Lawrence, Kansas, as a contract printing and teaching facility for local and regional artists. He will show a collection of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
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Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
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In anticipation of the 2019 grand opening of The McKnight Center for the Performing Arts, New York Philharmonic Principal Trumpet Christopher Martin will join the Oklahoma State University Wind...

Cost: $10

Where:
Seretean Center
132 Seretean Center
Stillwater, OK  74078
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Sponsor: McKnight Center for the Performing Arts
Telephone: 405-744-9999
Contact Name: Katy Fabrie
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Just in time for tax season, Carpenter Square Theatre presents “Death Tax,” Lucas Hnath’s darkly comic tale about death and taxes and how we live with both.  ...

Cost: $5-$25

Where:
Carpenter Square Theatre
800 W. Main
Oklahoma City, OK  73106
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Sponsor: Carpenter Square Theatre
Telephone: 405-232-6500
Contact Name: Rhonda M. Clark
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Cost: Free

Where:
Elk Valley Brewery
1210 N. Hudson Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
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Sponsor: VHSANDCHILL
Telephone: 405-503-0050
Contact Name: Sean Peel
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Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
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Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
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Cost: $0-$125

Where:
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Sponsor: Oklahoma City University School of Law
Telephone: 405-208-6300
Contact Name: Allison Rabon
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Cost: $12.50

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National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
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Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
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Skirvin Jazz Club is an immersive live music experience at the historic Skirvin Hotel in downtown Oklahoma City. We transform The Park Avenue Grill a swinging jazz club. We stage the band...

Cost: Free

Where:
Park Avenue Grill @ The Skirvin Hotel
1 Park Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
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Sponsor: OkSessions
Telephone: 405.694.8843
Contact Name: Christian Pearson
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Just in time for tax season, Carpenter Square Theatre presents “Death Tax,” Lucas Hnath’s darkly comic tale about death and taxes and how we live with both.  ...

Cost: $5-$25

Where:
Carpenter Square Theatre
800 W. Main
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Sponsor: Carpenter Square Theatre
Telephone: 405-232-6500
Contact Name: Rhonda M. Clark
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The Annual Mentorship Exhibition features pieces from Oklahoma City high school students that visit the Artspace studio each month. Throughout the duration of the program, the students engage with...

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Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
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View map »


Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
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Cost: 11.50

Where:
Orr Family Farm
14400 S. Western Ave.
Oklahoma City, OK  73170
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Telephone: 405.799.3276
Contact Name: Lauren Daughety

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Cost: $12.50

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Contact Name: Jenni
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Cost: $23.95

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3300 Market Pl
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America’s largest interactive comedy murder mystery dinner show is now playing at the Skirvin Hilton Hotel. At The Dinner Detective, you’ll tackle a challenging crime while you...

Cost: $59.95

Where:
The Skirvin Hilton
1 Park Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
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Sponsor: The Dinner Detective
Telephone: 866.496.0535
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Just in time for tax season, Carpenter Square Theatre presents “Death Tax,” Lucas Hnath’s darkly comic tale about death and taxes and how we live with both.  ...

Cost: $5-$25

Where:
Carpenter Square Theatre
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View map »


Sponsor: Carpenter Square Theatre
Telephone: 405-232-6500
Contact Name: Rhonda M. Clark
Website »

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