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Surviving the Whiskey Tasting

A non-aficionado’s critical translations



 



During a rare, mid-week date night, the Beau recently invited me to accompany him to a whiskey tasting party. This, of course, was a mistake. While I now know the difference in their names, I don’t drink whisky, whiskey, bourbon, scotch or any of their cousins.
 

A whiskey expert (who by my estimate has been drinking whiskey since his mother soothed his teething gums) regaled the group from one pour to the next for a couple of hours, taking us through each label’s history and novelty, pointing out various subtleties between this glass and that, while offering tips for tasting and savoring.

Initially, I followed along, holding the glass up to the light at his suggestion to judge its coloring and clarity. Easy enough.

Next, the expert asked the audience to take in the fragrance, or the nose, and to call out any familiar notes we might perceive. Other guests – including the now-delusional Beau – eagerly asserted, “I smell vanilla!” or “I’m picking up on some nutmeg!”

The first whiff of my pour – which contained neither vanilla nor nutmeg – should have been the only warning I needed to take a hard pass on its consumption. “This is acetone and Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil,” I told the Beau in a hushed tone.

Still, because I cared about the childless widow who was somehow connected to the whiskey recipe, I sent it down the hatch. In less than a second, I clutched my neck, stuck out my tongue (now on fire), heaved and gasped for air. My olfactory was spot-on: It was nail polish remover with a jigger of Hawaiian Tropic.

As I frantically searched my phone to dial Poison Control, the others in the room seemed positively delighted, carrying on as if they’d just tasted a lovely dessert.

The featured whiskies became more exclusive as the flight progressed, a fact that I found difficult to appreciate fully, having sacrificed the top layer of my tongue to the first swill. The whiskey expert, who may very well have destroyed his taste buds decades earlier, continued to push every one of my buttons with his descriptors, hypnotizing me with words like butterscotch, caramel ice cream, toffee and honeysuckle.

It’s a hard, cold, sobering fact that, no matter the drink, experts and tasting notes never reveal the truth in relatable terms. Before you raise a glass on your next date night, keep these translations handy and make a toast to good wine.

 

Color: Golden
Nose: Distinctively fresh and fruity with a hint of pear
Taste: Sweet, fruity notes; develops into butterscotch, cream, malt and subtle oak flavors
Finish: A long, smooth and mellow finish

 

Color: Urine sample
Nose: Isopropyl, with hints of wet cardboard box
Taste: Isopropyl, with hints of wet cardboard box
Finish: A long, burning finish, mingled with regret

 

Color: Amber
Nose: Oaky, dry; plenty of fruit, mostly dried; chewy peels, floral, spicy
Palate: Complex, enjoyable top notes, chewy oak, dark stone fruits, deep spices, peppy and rich
Finish: Long, toffee, drying

 

Color: Valvoline SynPower SAE 5W-30
Nose: Black permanent magic marker
Taste: Black permanent magic marker
Finish: Long, crippling finish of motor oil and a magic marker contact high; headache guaranteed

 

Color: Brown with orange tint
Nose: Sherry, oak, cherry stones, tangerine, mint, vanilla, bananas, wet forest floor, resins, leather, hints of cinnamon
Taste: Sherry, nectarines, tangerines, malt, oak, blackberries, orange ice cream, cinnamon, strawberry marmalade
Finish: Soft, lingers

 

Color: Kip’s Big Boy’s hair
Nose: Cepacol Sore Throat Spray
Taste: Deionized water, flavor, neotame, PEG-40 hydrogenated castor oil, potassium acesulfame, PVP, SD alcohol 38B
Finish: Throat-numbing, lingers

 

Color: Full sparkling gold
Nose: Big, smoky muscular peat notes
Taste: Seaweed-led with a hint of vanilla ice cream
Finish: Big and drying, as the savory, tarry notes build up with an iodine complexity

 

Color: Coors Light
Nose: Medicated Band-Aid that’s been set on fire; strong notes of goldfish food
Taste: Medicated Band-Aid that’s been set on fire; strong notes of goldfish food
Finish: Peaty, with notes of dirty fishbowl

 

Color: Rich copper
Nose: Sweet, spicy, caramel-nut-fudge
Taste: Fruity, medium-to full-bodied palate with intense dried fruit and toasted nut notes
Finish: A very long, bold wave of peppery brown spices, floral honey and charred barrel flavors

 

Color: Dirty penny
Nose: E10
Taste: E10, dirty penny
Finish: Endless waves of tongue-stripping hot lava

 

 

 

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Calendar

June 2019

A nationally touring exhibit “Bison: Ancient. Massive. Wild.” will open May 24 at the Chisholm Trail Heritage Center in Duncan, OK. This exhibit explores the significance of...

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1000 Chisholm Trail Parkway
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Telephone: 405.815.9995
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"Sandy Magrath: Dogs of the Southwest" art exhibit will be open May 1 - June 30, 2019, at the Chisholm Trail Heritage Center in Duncan, OK. A meet the artist reception will be 3:30 -...

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Duncan, OK  73533
View map »


Sponsor: Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
Telephone: 580.252.6692
Contact Name: Stacy Moore
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Cost: $30

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Regatta Park Landing
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Cost: $6 adults

Where:
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1000 Chisholm Trail Parkway
Duncan, OK  73533
View map »


Sponsor: Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
Telephone: 580.252.6692
Contact Name: Stacy Moore
Website »

More information

A nationally touring exhibit “Bison: Ancient. Massive. Wild.” will open May 24 at the Chisholm Trail Heritage Center in Duncan, OK. This exhibit explores the significance of...

Cost: $4 - $6

Where:
Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
1000 Chisholm Trail Parkway
Duncan, OK  73533
View map »


Sponsor: Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
Telephone: 580.252.6692
Contact Name: Toni Hopper
Website »

More information

James Bailey from Missoula, Montana, is ARTSPACE at Untitled's visiting Artist in Residence; his exhibition, Map-ify, is on view May 9th through July 6th.  "My work examines...

Cost: Free

Where:
ARTSPACE at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »


Telephone: 405.815.9995
Website »

More information

The University of Science and Arts of Oklahoma’s Nesbitt Gallery will feature painter William Stoehr’s powerful portraits in “Victims, Witnesses, and Survivors.” The gallery...

Cost: Free

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USAO Nesbitt Gallery
1727 W. Alabama Ave.
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James Bailey from Missoula, Montana, is ARTSPACE at Untitled's visiting Artist in Residence; his exhibition, Map-ify, is on view May 9th through July 6th.  "My work examines...

Cost: Free

Where:
ARTSPACE at Untitled
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Telephone: 405.815.9995
Website »

More information

"Sandy Magrath: Dogs of the Southwest" art exhibit will be open May 1 - June 30, 2019, at the Chisholm Trail Heritage Center in Duncan, OK. A meet the artist reception will be 3:30 -...

Cost: $6 adults

Where:
Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
1000 Chisholm Trail Parkway
Duncan, OK  73533
View map »


Sponsor: Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
Telephone: 580.252.6692
Contact Name: Stacy Moore
Website »

More information

A nationally touring exhibit “Bison: Ancient. Massive. Wild.” will open May 24 at the Chisholm Trail Heritage Center in Duncan, OK. This exhibit explores the significance of...

Cost: $4 - $6

Where:
Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
1000 Chisholm Trail Parkway
Duncan, OK  73533
View map »


Sponsor: Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
Telephone: 580.252.6692
Contact Name: Toni Hopper
Website »

More information

An exceptional home by Craig Smith Building in the Rivendell addition, SW OKC’s premier development, will be artfully and creatively decorated by 18 outstanding local businesses to...

Cost: $10

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Rivendell Addition (SW OKC)
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View map »


Sponsor: The Sparrow Project
Telephone: (405) 642-4832
Contact Name: Allison Richey
Website »

More information

The University of Science and Arts of Oklahoma’s Nesbitt Gallery will feature painter William Stoehr’s powerful portraits in “Victims, Witnesses, and Survivors.” The gallery...

Cost: Free

Where:
USAO Nesbitt Gallery
1727 W. Alabama Ave.
Chickasha, OK  73018
View map »


Sponsor: Nesbitt Gallery
Telephone: 405.574.1374
Contact Name: Layne Thrift
Website »

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"Sandy Magrath: Dogs of the Southwest" art exhibit will be open May 1 - June 30, 2019, at the Chisholm Trail Heritage Center in Duncan, OK. A meet the artist reception will be 3:30 -...

Cost: $6 adults

Where:
Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
1000 Chisholm Trail Parkway
Duncan, OK  73533
View map »


Sponsor: Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
Telephone: 580.252.6692
Contact Name: Stacy Moore
Website »

More information

James Bailey from Missoula, Montana, is ARTSPACE at Untitled's visiting Artist in Residence; his exhibition, Map-ify, is on view May 9th through July 6th.  "My work examines...

Cost: Free

Where:
ARTSPACE at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »


Telephone: 405.815.9995
Website »

More information

A nationally touring exhibit “Bison: Ancient. Massive. Wild.” will open May 24 at the Chisholm Trail Heritage Center in Duncan, OK. This exhibit explores the significance of...

Cost: $4 - $6

Where:
Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
1000 Chisholm Trail Parkway
Duncan, OK  73533
View map »


Sponsor: Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
Telephone: 580.252.6692
Contact Name: Toni Hopper
Website »

More information

An exceptional home by Craig Smith Building in the Rivendell addition, SW OKC’s premier development, will be artfully and creatively decorated by 18 outstanding local businesses to...

Cost: $10

Where:
Rivendell Addition (SW OKC)
12901 Endor Court
Oklahoma City, OK  73170
View map »


Sponsor: The Sparrow Project
Telephone: (405) 642-4832
Contact Name: Allison Richey
Website »

More information

The University of Science and Arts of Oklahoma’s Nesbitt Gallery will feature painter William Stoehr’s powerful portraits in “Victims, Witnesses, and Survivors.” The gallery...

Cost: Free

Where:
USAO Nesbitt Gallery
1727 W. Alabama Ave.
Chickasha, OK  73018
View map »


Sponsor: Nesbitt Gallery
Telephone: 405.574.1374
Contact Name: Layne Thrift
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

A nationally touring exhibit “Bison: Ancient. Massive. Wild.” will open May 24 at the Chisholm Trail Heritage Center in Duncan, OK. This exhibit explores the significance of...

Cost: $4 - $6

Where:
Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
1000 Chisholm Trail Parkway
Duncan, OK  73533
View map »


Sponsor: Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
Telephone: 580.252.6692
Contact Name: Toni Hopper
Website »

More information

"Sandy Magrath: Dogs of the Southwest" art exhibit will be open May 1 - June 30, 2019, at the Chisholm Trail Heritage Center in Duncan, OK. A meet the artist reception will be 3:30 -...

Cost: $6 adults

Where:
Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
1000 Chisholm Trail Parkway
Duncan, OK  73533
View map »


Sponsor: Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
Telephone: 580.252.6692
Contact Name: Stacy Moore
Website »

More information

James Bailey from Missoula, Montana, is ARTSPACE at Untitled's visiting Artist in Residence; his exhibition, Map-ify, is on view May 9th through July 6th.  "My work examines...

Cost: Free

Where:
ARTSPACE at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »


Telephone: 405.815.9995
Website »

More information

An exceptional home by Craig Smith Building in the Rivendell addition, SW OKC’s premier development, will be artfully and creatively decorated by 18 outstanding local businesses to...

Cost: $10

Where:
Rivendell Addition (SW OKC)
12901 Endor Court
Oklahoma City, OK  73170
View map »


Sponsor: The Sparrow Project
Telephone: (405) 642-4832
Contact Name: Allison Richey
Website »

More information

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Cost: Free

Where:
ARTSPACE at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »


Telephone: 405-815-9995
Website »

More information

The University of Science and Arts of Oklahoma’s Nesbitt Gallery will feature painter William Stoehr’s powerful portraits in “Victims, Witnesses, and Survivors.” The gallery...

Cost: Free

Where:
USAO Nesbitt Gallery
1727 W. Alabama Ave.
Chickasha, OK  73018
View map »


Sponsor: Nesbitt Gallery
Telephone: 405.574.1374
Contact Name: Layne Thrift
Website »

More information

Proudly in our 36th year, Jazz in June is the hippest jazz festival around. Come listen to blues on Thursday and jazz on Friday and Saturday. The festival is free and family-friendly. 

Cost: Free

Where:
Brookhaven Village
3700 W. Robinson
Norman, OK  73072
View map »


Sponsor: Jazz in June
Telephone: 405-630-7333
Contact Name: Sheryl Lovelady
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

James Bailey from Missoula, Montana, is ARTSPACE at Untitled's visiting Artist in Residence; his exhibition, Map-ify, is on view May 9th through July 6th.  "My work examines...

Cost: Free

Where:
ARTSPACE at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »


Telephone: 405.815.9995
Website »

More information

"Sandy Magrath: Dogs of the Southwest" art exhibit will be open May 1 - June 30, 2019, at the Chisholm Trail Heritage Center in Duncan, OK. A meet the artist reception will be 3:30 -...

Cost: $6 adults

Where:
Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
1000 Chisholm Trail Parkway
Duncan, OK  73533
View map »


Sponsor: Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
Telephone: 580.252.6692
Contact Name: Stacy Moore
Website »

More information

A nationally touring exhibit “Bison: Ancient. Massive. Wild.” will open May 24 at the Chisholm Trail Heritage Center in Duncan, OK. This exhibit explores the significance of...

Cost: $4 - $6

Where:
Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
1000 Chisholm Trail Parkway
Duncan, OK  73533
View map »


Sponsor: Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
Telephone: 580.252.6692
Contact Name: Toni Hopper
Website »

More information

An exceptional home by Craig Smith Building in the Rivendell addition, SW OKC’s premier development, will be artfully and creatively decorated by 18 outstanding local businesses to...

Cost: $10

Where:
Rivendell Addition (SW OKC)
12901 Endor Court
Oklahoma City, OK  73170
View map »


Sponsor: The Sparrow Project
Telephone: (405) 642-4832
Contact Name: Allison Richey
Website »

More information

The University of Science and Arts of Oklahoma’s Nesbitt Gallery will feature painter William Stoehr’s powerful portraits in “Victims, Witnesses, and Survivors.” The gallery...

Cost: Free

Where:
USAO Nesbitt Gallery
1727 W. Alabama Ave.
Chickasha, OK  73018
View map »


Sponsor: Nesbitt Gallery
Telephone: 405.574.1374
Contact Name: Layne Thrift
Website »

More information

The evening Cocktail Cruise offers stunning views of the downtown skyline, the Boathouse District & Finish Line Tower, the Wheeler Ferris wheel and, quite possibly, an amazing...

Cost: Adult: $20 Seniors and Children: $15

Where:
Regatta Park Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73119
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma River Cruises
Telephone: 405-702-7755
Contact Name: Che Loessberg
Website »

More information

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Cost: Free

Where:
Wheeler Ferris Wheel
1701 S. Western Ave.
Oklahoma City, OK  73109
View map »

More information

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Cost: Free

Where:
Park Avenue Grill @ The Skirvin Hotel
1 Park Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: OkSessions
Telephone: 405.694.8843
Contact Name: Christian Pearson
Website »

More information

Proudly in our 36th year, Jazz in June is the hippest jazz festival around. Come listen to blues on Thursday and jazz on Friday and Saturday. The festival is free and family-friendly. 

Cost: Free

Where:
Brookhaven Village
3700 W. Robinson
Norman, OK  73072
View map »


Sponsor: Jazz in June
Telephone: 405-630-7333
Contact Name: Sheryl Lovelady
Website »

More information

The evening Cocktail Cruise offers stunning views of the downtown skyline, the Boathouse District & Finish Line Tower, the Wheeler Ferris Wheel, and quite possibly an amazing Oklahoma...

Cost: Adults $20; Seniors and Children $15

Where:
Regatta Park Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73119
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma River Cruises
Telephone: 405-702-7755
Contact Name: Che Loessberg
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

James Bailey from Missoula, Montana, is ARTSPACE at Untitled's visiting Artist in Residence; his exhibition, Map-ify, is on view May 9th through July 6th.  "My work examines...

Cost: Free

Where:
ARTSPACE at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »


Telephone: 405.815.9995
Website »

More information

A nationally touring exhibit “Bison: Ancient. Massive. Wild.” will open May 24 at the Chisholm Trail Heritage Center in Duncan, OK. This exhibit explores the significance of...

Cost: $4 - $6

Where:
Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
1000 Chisholm Trail Parkway
Duncan, OK  73533
View map »


Sponsor: Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
Telephone: 580.252.6692
Contact Name: Toni Hopper
Website »

More information

"Sandy Magrath: Dogs of the Southwest" art exhibit will be open May 1 - June 30, 2019, at the Chisholm Trail Heritage Center in Duncan, OK. A meet the artist reception will be 3:30 -...

Cost: $6 adults

Where:
Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
1000 Chisholm Trail Parkway
Duncan, OK  73533
View map »


Sponsor: Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
Telephone: 580.252.6692
Contact Name: Stacy Moore
Website »

More information

Featuring more than 70 works by French and European masters such as Degas, Manet, Monet, Rousseau and Van Gogh, this exhibition celebrates Mr. and Mrs. Paul Mellon’s extraordinary gift of...

Cost: $15

Where:
Oklahoma City Museum of Art
415 Couch Drive
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.236.3100
Website »

More information

An exceptional home by Craig Smith Building in the Rivendell addition, SW OKC’s premier development, will be artfully and creatively decorated by 18 outstanding local businesses to...

Cost: $10

Where:
Rivendell Addition (SW OKC)
12901 Endor Court
Oklahoma City, OK  73170
View map »


Sponsor: The Sparrow Project
Telephone: (405) 642-4832
Contact Name: Allison Richey
Website »

More information

This method of printing is magical, fun and easy. Participants will create a textured plate that will then emboss their papers with or without ink. There are many ways to manipulate the plate once...

Cost: $50

Where:
ARTSPACE at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »


Telephone: 405.815.9995
Website »

More information

America’s largest interactive comedy murder mystery dinner show is now playing at the Skirvin Hilton Hotel. At The Dinner Detective, you’ll tackle a challenging crime while you...

Cost: $59.95

Where:
The Skirvin Hilton
1 Park Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: The Dinner Detective
Telephone: 866.496.0535
Website »

More information

The evening Cocktail Cruise offers stunning views of the downtown skyline, the Boathouse District & Finish Line Tower, the Wheeler Ferris wheel and, quite possibly, an amazing...

Cost: Adult: $20 Seniors and Children: $15

Where:
Regatta Park Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73119
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma River Cruises
Telephone: 405-702-7755
Contact Name: Che Loessberg
Website »

More information

Proudly in our 36th year, Jazz in June is the hippest jazz festival around. Come listen to blues on Thursday and jazz on Friday and Saturday. The festival is free and family-friendly. 

Cost: Free

Where:
Brookhaven Village
3700 W. Robinson
Norman, OK  73072
View map »


Sponsor: Jazz in June
Telephone: 405-630-7333
Contact Name: Sheryl Lovelady
Website »

More information

The evening Cocktail Cruise offers stunning views of the downtown skyline, the Boathouse District & Finish Line Tower, the Wheeler Ferris Wheel, and quite possibly an amazing Oklahoma...

Cost: Adults $20; Seniors and Children $15

Where:
Regatta Park Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73119
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma River Cruises
Telephone: 405-702-7755
Contact Name: Che Loessberg
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...
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