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Surviving the Whiskey Tasting

A non-aficionado’s critical translations



 



During a rare, mid-week date night, the Beau recently invited me to accompany him to a whiskey tasting party. This, of course, was a mistake. While I now know the difference in their names, I don’t drink whisky, whiskey, bourbon, scotch or any of their cousins.
 

A whiskey expert (who by my estimate has been drinking whiskey since his mother soothed his teething gums) regaled the group from one pour to the next for a couple of hours, taking us through each label’s history and novelty, pointing out various subtleties between this glass and that, while offering tips for tasting and savoring.

Initially, I followed along, holding the glass up to the light at his suggestion to judge its coloring and clarity. Easy enough.

Next, the expert asked the audience to take in the fragrance, or the nose, and to call out any familiar notes we might perceive. Other guests – including the now-delusional Beau – eagerly asserted, “I smell vanilla!” or “I’m picking up on some nutmeg!”

The first whiff of my pour – which contained neither vanilla nor nutmeg – should have been the only warning I needed to take a hard pass on its consumption. “This is acetone and Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil,” I told the Beau in a hushed tone.

Still, because I cared about the childless widow who was somehow connected to the whiskey recipe, I sent it down the hatch. In less than a second, I clutched my neck, stuck out my tongue (now on fire), heaved and gasped for air. My olfactory was spot-on: It was nail polish remover with a jigger of Hawaiian Tropic.

As I frantically searched my phone to dial Poison Control, the others in the room seemed positively delighted, carrying on as if they’d just tasted a lovely dessert.

The featured whiskies became more exclusive as the flight progressed, a fact that I found difficult to appreciate fully, having sacrificed the top layer of my tongue to the first swill. The whiskey expert, who may very well have destroyed his taste buds decades earlier, continued to push every one of my buttons with his descriptors, hypnotizing me with words like butterscotch, caramel ice cream, toffee and honeysuckle.

It’s a hard, cold, sobering fact that, no matter the drink, experts and tasting notes never reveal the truth in relatable terms. Before you raise a glass on your next date night, keep these translations handy and make a toast to good wine.

 

Color: Golden
Nose: Distinctively fresh and fruity with a hint of pear
Taste: Sweet, fruity notes; develops into butterscotch, cream, malt and subtle oak flavors
Finish: A long, smooth and mellow finish

 

Color: Urine sample
Nose: Isopropyl, with hints of wet cardboard box
Taste: Isopropyl, with hints of wet cardboard box
Finish: A long, burning finish, mingled with regret

 

Color: Amber
Nose: Oaky, dry; plenty of fruit, mostly dried; chewy peels, floral, spicy
Palate: Complex, enjoyable top notes, chewy oak, dark stone fruits, deep spices, peppy and rich
Finish: Long, toffee, drying

 

Color: Valvoline SynPower SAE 5W-30
Nose: Black permanent magic marker
Taste: Black permanent magic marker
Finish: Long, crippling finish of motor oil and a magic marker contact high; headache guaranteed

 

Color: Brown with orange tint
Nose: Sherry, oak, cherry stones, tangerine, mint, vanilla, bananas, wet forest floor, resins, leather, hints of cinnamon
Taste: Sherry, nectarines, tangerines, malt, oak, blackberries, orange ice cream, cinnamon, strawberry marmalade
Finish: Soft, lingers

 

Color: Kip’s Big Boy’s hair
Nose: Cepacol Sore Throat Spray
Taste: Deionized water, flavor, neotame, PEG-40 hydrogenated castor oil, potassium acesulfame, PVP, SD alcohol 38B
Finish: Throat-numbing, lingers

 

Color: Full sparkling gold
Nose: Big, smoky muscular peat notes
Taste: Seaweed-led with a hint of vanilla ice cream
Finish: Big and drying, as the savory, tarry notes build up with an iodine complexity

 

Color: Coors Light
Nose: Medicated Band-Aid that’s been set on fire; strong notes of goldfish food
Taste: Medicated Band-Aid that’s been set on fire; strong notes of goldfish food
Finish: Peaty, with notes of dirty fishbowl

 

Color: Rich copper
Nose: Sweet, spicy, caramel-nut-fudge
Taste: Fruity, medium-to full-bodied palate with intense dried fruit and toasted nut notes
Finish: A very long, bold wave of peppery brown spices, floral honey and charred barrel flavors

 

Color: Dirty penny
Nose: E10
Taste: E10, dirty penny
Finish: Endless waves of tongue-stripping hot lava

 

 

 

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December 2018

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Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
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Cost: Free

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Visitors to Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary will be able to let their imaginations run wild as they travel back in time with life-size animatronic dinosaurs along a half-mile...

Where:
Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
1 Nature Place
McKinney, TX  75069
View map »


Sponsor: Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
Telephone: 972.562.5566
Contact Name: Stephanie Jennings
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More information

The National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum is proud to host an exhibition by members of the Traditional Cowboy Arts Association (TCAA).   The Traditional Cowboy Arts Association...

Cost: 12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
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Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni Shrum
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Cost: Free

Where:
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Visitors to Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary will be able to let their imaginations run wild as they travel back in time with life-size animatronic dinosaurs along a half-mile...

Where:
Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
1 Nature Place
McKinney, TX  75069
View map »


Sponsor: Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
Telephone: 972.562.5566
Contact Name: Stephanie Jennings
Website »

More information

Don’t miss this timely exhibition charting the development of contemporary Indigenous art from the US and Canada. Presenting over 80 artworks including paintings, photography, video,...

Cost: Free

Where:
Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art
600 Museum Way
Bentonville, AR  72712
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Telephone: 479.418.5700
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More information

The National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum is proud to host an exhibition by members of the Traditional Cowboy Arts Association (TCAA).   The Traditional Cowboy Arts Association...

Cost: 12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
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Visitors to Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary will be able to let their imaginations run wild as they travel back in time with life-size animatronic dinosaurs along a half-mile...

Where:
Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
1 Nature Place
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View map »


Sponsor: Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
Telephone: 972.562.5566
Contact Name: Stephanie Jennings
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Cost: 12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
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Telephone: 405.478.2250
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Cost: Free

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399 NW 10th St
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View map »


Telephone: 405.514.5205
Contact Name: Cleo Rajon
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Cost: Free

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Where:
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1 Nature Place
McKinney, TX  75069
View map »


Sponsor: Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
Telephone: 972.562.5566
Contact Name: Stephanie Jennings
Website »

More information

Don’t miss this timely exhibition charting the development of contemporary Indigenous art from the US and Canada. Presenting over 80 artworks including paintings, photography, video,...

Cost: Free

Where:
Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art
600 Museum Way
Bentonville, AR  72712
View map »


Telephone: 479.418.5700
Website »

More information

A pop-up shop village & Christmas tree lot in Midtown, OKC for the Holiday season. Shops rotate weekly!

Cost: Free

Where:
Holiday Pop-Up Shops
399 NW 10th St
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.514.5205
Contact Name: Cleo Rajon
Website »

More information

The National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum is proud to host an exhibition by members of the Traditional Cowboy Arts Association (TCAA).   The Traditional Cowboy Arts Association...

Cost: 12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
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View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni Shrum
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Cost: $5 - $15

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OKC Improv
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Presented By OKC Ballet, with the OKC Philharmonic Tchaikovsky’s familiar score and Artistic Director Robert Mills’ delightful staging of The Nutcracker will fill your heart...

Where:
Civic Center Music Hall-Thelma Gaylord Theater
201 N Walker
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: OKC Ballet
Website »

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Visitors to Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary will be able to let their imaginations run wild as they travel back in time with life-size animatronic dinosaurs along a half-mile...

Where:
Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
1 Nature Place
McKinney, TX  75069
View map »


Sponsor: Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
Telephone: 972.562.5566
Contact Name: Stephanie Jennings
Website »

More information

Don’t miss this timely exhibition charting the development of contemporary Indigenous art from the US and Canada. Presenting over 80 artworks including paintings, photography, video,...

Cost: Free

Where:
Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art
600 Museum Way
Bentonville, AR  72712
View map »


Telephone: 479.418.5700
Website »

More information

A pop-up shop village & Christmas tree lot in Midtown, OKC for the Holiday season. Shops rotate weekly!

Cost: Free

Where:
Holiday Pop-Up Shops
399 NW 10th St
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Telephone: 405.514.5205
Contact Name: Cleo Rajon
Website »

More information

The National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum is proud to host an exhibition by members of the Traditional Cowboy Arts Association (TCAA).   The Traditional Cowboy Arts Association...

Cost: 12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni Shrum
Website »

More information

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Come enjoy live, local comedy in Oklahoma City's Plaza District. Shows are Fridays and Saturdays at 7:30 and 9:30 p.m., and the 2nd Saturday of every month also has a family -friendly show...

Cost: $5 - $15

Where:
OKC Improv
1757 N.W. 16th St.
Oklahoma City, OK  73106
View map »


Sponsor: OKC Improv
Telephone: 405.456.9858
Contact Name: Kate McLain-Snipes
Website »

More information

Presented By OKC Ballet, with the OKC Philharmonic Tchaikovsky’s familiar score and Artistic Director Robert Mills’ delightful staging of The Nutcracker will fill your heart...

Where:
Civic Center Music Hall-Thelma Gaylord Theater
201 N Walker
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: OKC Ballet
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...
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