Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags

The Walking Sales Target

Surviving the personal pressure of mall shopping



 



One of my favorite cartoons from Gary Larson’s “The Far Side” involves two bucks, standing upright. As one of the bucks looks at the target the other has on his chest, he observes, “Bummer of a birthmark, Hal.”
 

Although I’ve never seen it, I know from experience that I, too, have a target, and it’s been my birthmark for as long as I can remember. Like the ill-fated, limping gazelle on the savanna, I can be spotted miles away on my slow-moving approach toward any retailer. I barely escaped the holiday season, the one time of year when my odds of getting lost inside the herd could work to my advantage.

I’ve never stood a chance against a retailer with a sample of a food snack, a skincare item or the demonstration of a product I don’t need – I’m a moth to the proverbial retail flame. And nowhere does that flame burn brighter and hotter than at a mall kiosk, the epicenter of retail’s worst predators. Exhaustingly aggressive, the kiosk barker warrants a flashing sign overhead to warn the unsuspecting passerby, “Do NOT make eye contact! Do NOT make eye contact!”

Let me be your flashing kiosk sign, fellow gazelles: NO eye contact! Keep running! This is Rule No. 1 in your line of defense.

If it’s too late and you’ve made eye contact (or if, like me, you have the telltale birthmark) your next hour (and quite possibly, your emergency savings) will undoubtedly be hijacked by a salesperson who seems unusually concerned about the condition of your skin.

Rule No. 2: For the love of all things holy, do NOT accept a product sample for any kind of lotion, potion or gel.

Kiosk barker: “What are you currently using for your skincare, darling?”

Unsuspecting prey (accepting packet): “Who? Me? Uh, I, uh … ”

KB: “Because you really have beautiful skin for someone your age. I’d just hate for you to throw it all away before it’s too late.”

UP (confused): “Too late for what?”

Prey has now violated Rule No. 3: Do NOT engage!

KB: “You have one minute? Just one minute, dahlink. Come here. I will show you how to firm up that area you’re having trouble with around your eyes. It will just take one moment – step over here and watch this.”

UP (looks at watch): “Uh, hey, that’s OK, really. I was on my way to pick up a gift. I should go.”

KB (feigning insult): “You don’t have one minute to take care of yourself? This is your problem, dahlink: You’re too busy taking care of everyone else – give me just one minute. Do it for YOU, dahlink.”

Barker leads Prey to the shadowy perimeter of the kiosk, where Prey pauses to reflect: I have been too busy taking care of everyone else!

Rule No. 4: Yeah, we’ve all been too busy. Just RUN, gazelle! RUN!

Barker tells Prey to extend her arm, and applies a silky potion of unknown contents onto her trembling hoof.

KB: “Do you feel that velvety texture? This is what your skin deserves. I have many clients who pay $400 for this tube. Today, I feel so generous. I am practically giving it away and I don’t care! Today (whispers), I sell it to you for only $299 – if you don’t tell my supervisor.”

UP: “Wow – that’s a great discount – you said two-ninety-nine, right? Uh, where is the decimal?”

Rule No. 5: Forget about decimals! GET OUT!

KB (amused): “Ohhhhhh! You’re so funny! No wonder you have so many laugh lines on your face! You make other people to laugh, too! What is it you’re doing for a living?”

UP: “Um, marketing?”

Rule No. 6: No names! No details! Foam at the mouth if you must – just get out!

KB: “Oh, well, there you have it. Marketing is very stressful. No wonder you have such deep lines … you will love this. And you just need a small, small amount every night, dahlink.”

UP: “That’s nice. Gosh, look at the time! I really have to go.”

KB (angrily): “So just like that – you’re going to waste all my time after I took you in and consulted you about how to fix your face?”

Prey makes a hasty, unapologetic bolt for the other end of the mall, where a waiting kiosk barker recognizes her birthmark and offers her a product sample. She accepts. 

 

Edit ModuleShow Tags

Archive »You Might Like

The Festival of the Arts’ Legacy

Arts Council OKC director Peter Dolese retraces the origins and expansion of the week-long celebration of creativity that is the Festival of the Arts.

The Natural Touch for Self-Care

Natural products from lotions to fragrances in conscientious self-care that are perfect for a season of renewal.

An Oklahoma Story in Stone

Nearly 150 years after Sophia Pitchlynn died in what was then Indian Territory, her gravestone still stands silent vigil in Garland Cemetery.

Add your comment:
Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags

Calendar

April 2019

Meet all the Princesses at The Oklahoma City Fairytale Ball. This magical event is full of memorable moments you won't want to miss! Dance with Cinderella; read with Rapunzel; share sweet...

Cost: $25-$60

Where:
La Bella
6701 W Wilshire Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73132
View map »


Sponsor: Pretty Princess Parties & Project Princess
Telephone: 405-777-2411
Contact Name: Brooke Potter
Website »

More information

The 30th Annual Spring Plant Sale at Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary will feature a huge selection of native plants, hard-to-find herbs and well-adapted plants. There are a...

Cost: Free

Where:
Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
1 Nature Place
McKinney, TX  75069
View map »


Sponsor: Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
Telephone: 972.562.5566
Contact Name: Stephanie Jennings
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

Saviour is a pop-classical oratorio which takes its audience from creation through resurrection and is a picture of God pursuing His people. Its unique and powerful music will showcase the Voices...

Cost: Free

Where:
Crossings Community Church - OKC Campus
14600 North Portland Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73134
View map »


Sponsor: Crossings Community Church
Telephone: 405-302-1258
Contact Name: Lori Bunyar
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

The Annual Mentorship Exhibition features pieces from Oklahoma City high school students that visit the Artspace studio each month. Throughout the duration of the program, the students engage with...

Cost: Free

Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »


Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

Sit down with the Mod Quad Collective creatives for a fun afternoon of bunny making! Come and go. Tickets on our website.

Cost: $15 per person

Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »


Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

The Annual Mentorship Exhibition features pieces from Oklahoma City high school students that visit the Artspace studio each month. Throughout the duration of the program, the students engage with...

Cost: Free

Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »


Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
Website »

More information

Oklahoma City Community College's Paul W. Sechrist Signature Lecture Series will feature David Grann, the New York Times bestselling author of Killers of the Flower Moon. This lecture is free...

Cost: Free

Where:
OCCC Visual and Performing Arts Center Theater
7777 S May Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73159
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma City Community College
Website »

More information

Grab a friend and join us as we celebrate the launch of our 2019 Summer Collection.  Hosted with influencers Aubrey @thedandyliar, Jen @houseofkubes, and OKC's local rental clothier,...

Cost: Free

Where:
Kendra Scott
5810 N Classen Blvd #2
Oklahoma City, OK  73118
View map »


Sponsor: Kendra Scott
Telephone: 405.241.4203
Contact Name: Casey Barnes
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

The National Summit on Homeland Security Law, 2019, in collaboration with the American College of Environmental Lawyers (ACOEL), is bringing to you two days of programming presented by homeland...

Cost: $0-$125

Where:
Oklahoma City University School of Law
800 N Harvey Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma City University School of Law
Telephone: 405-208-6300
Contact Name: Allison Rabon
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

The Annual Mentorship Exhibition features pieces from Oklahoma City high school students that visit the Artspace studio each month. Throughout the duration of the program, the students engage with...

Cost: Free

Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »


Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
Website »

More information

As a local business, amshot typically focuses on IT services and software development, but our team is also passionate about supporting the local art community. With this in mind, we created...

Cost: $5

Where:
amshot
428 Dean A McGee Ave.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: amshot
Telephone: 405.594.7642
Contact Name: Lexi Belvis
Website »

More information

  Verbode Urban Core Artists: Local art show to benefit The Homeless Alliance opens at Verbode on April 18 A new art show, Verbode Urban Core Artists, will benefit The Homeless...

Cost: Free

Where:
Verbode Urban Core Artists
415 North Broadway, Suite 101
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Verbode, Valor Bank, Hive Design Team
Telephone: 405.604.7947
Contact Name: Christie Owen
Website »

More information

Michael Sims established The Lawrence Lithography Workshop in 1979 in Lawrence, Kansas, as a contract printing and teaching facility for local and regional artists. He will show a collection of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »


Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
Website »

More information

In anticipation of the 2019 grand opening of The McKnight Center for the Performing Arts, New York Philharmonic Principal Trumpet Christopher Martin will join the Oklahoma State University Wind...

Cost: $10

Where:
Seretean Center
132 Seretean Center
Stillwater, OK  74078
View map »


Sponsor: McKnight Center for the Performing Arts
Telephone: 405-744-9999
Contact Name: Katy Fabrie
Website »

More information

Just in time for tax season, Carpenter Square Theatre presents “Death Tax,” Lucas Hnath’s darkly comic tale about death and taxes and how we live with both.  ...

Cost: $5-$25

Where:
Carpenter Square Theatre
800 W. Main
Oklahoma City, OK  73106
View map »


Sponsor: Carpenter Square Theatre
Telephone: 405-232-6500
Contact Name: Rhonda M. Clark
Website »

More information

Together with Elk Valley Brewing Co, we're bringing you a new VHS series here in Oklahoma City. Welcome to 'VHS GRINDHOUSE'! These screenings will be presented in glorious VHS...

Cost: Free

Where:
Elk Valley Brewery
1210 N. Hudson Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: VHSANDCHILL
Telephone: 405-503-0050
Contact Name: Sean Peel
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

The Annual Mentorship Exhibition features pieces from Oklahoma City high school students that visit the Artspace studio each month. Throughout the duration of the program, the students engage with...

Cost: Free

Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »


Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
Website »

More information

The National Summit on Homeland Security Law, 2019, in collaboration with the American College of Environmental Lawyers (ACOEL), is bringing to you two days of programming presented by homeland...

Cost: $0-$125

Where:
Oklahoma City University School of Law
800 N Harvey Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma City University School of Law
Telephone: 405-208-6300
Contact Name: Allison Rabon
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

Skirvin Jazz Club is an immersive live music experience at the historic Skirvin Hotel in downtown Oklahoma City. We transform The Park Avenue Grill a swinging jazz club. We stage the band...

Cost: Free

Where:
Park Avenue Grill @ The Skirvin Hotel
1 Park Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: OkSessions
Telephone: 405.694.8843
Contact Name: Christian Pearson
Website »

More information

Just in time for tax season, Carpenter Square Theatre presents “Death Tax,” Lucas Hnath’s darkly comic tale about death and taxes and how we live with both.  ...

Cost: $5-$25

Where:
Carpenter Square Theatre
800 W. Main
Oklahoma City, OK  73106
View map »


Sponsor: Carpenter Square Theatre
Telephone: 405-232-6500
Contact Name: Rhonda M. Clark
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

The Annual Mentorship Exhibition features pieces from Oklahoma City high school students that visit the Artspace studio each month. Throughout the duration of the program, the students engage with...

Cost: Free

Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
View map »


Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
Website »

More information

Easter egg hunts will be held at 11 a.m., 1 and 3 p.m. for children ages 11 and under. Everyone is invited to meet and take pictures with the Easter Bunny! Egg hunts are free with regular Farm...

Cost: 11.50

Where:
Orr Family Farm
14400 S. Western Ave.
Oklahoma City, OK  73170
View map »


Telephone: 405.799.3276
Contact Name: Lauren Daughety

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

Celebrate Easter with a trip to Andy Alligator’s Fun Park! On Saturday and Sunday, get $5 off an All-Day Pass with our Eggcellent Easter Special. All-Day Passes include Go-Karts,...

Cost: $23.95

Where:
Andy Alligator's Fun Park & Water Park
3300 Market Pl
Norman, OK  73072
View map »

More information

America’s largest interactive comedy murder mystery dinner show is now playing at the Skirvin Hilton Hotel. At The Dinner Detective, you’ll tackle a challenging crime while you...

Cost: $59.95

Where:
The Skirvin Hilton
1 Park Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: The Dinner Detective
Telephone: 866.496.0535
Website »

More information

Just in time for tax season, Carpenter Square Theatre presents “Death Tax,” Lucas Hnath’s darkly comic tale about death and taxes and how we live with both.  ...

Cost: $5-$25

Where:
Carpenter Square Theatre
800 W. Main
Oklahoma City, OK  73106
View map »


Sponsor: Carpenter Square Theatre
Telephone: 405-232-6500
Contact Name: Rhonda M. Clark
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...
Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit Module Edit ModuleShow Tags