Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags

Let Freedom Ring

Having a blast on the Fourth of July



 



Against every law of common sense, I still have some of last year’s fireworks in the garage. Standing two feet tall among the punks and sparklers is a box labeled “Lock and Load,” a noisy firestorm of 24 hardcore shells, each with a short fuse. On the side, a supplementary label announces, “Barely Legal!” Admittedly, that probably added to its appeal. On the back, a red warning – “Do not place head over tube” – doubles as an unapologetic contradiction to natural selection, as if warehousing fireworks in the garage weren’t enough of a recipe for disaster.
 

As some of history’s most efficient devices for finger removal, fireworks are rather aggressive on their own, and the names have become much more threatening than when I was little. I don’t know who comes up with them, but I’ll bet they’ve been in training for the position for years – one after-school fight (or arson) at a time.

I think I’d enjoy naming fireworks. I’d go back to cheery names that do little to warn the consumer that gunpowder and fire will take off your face. Instead of Attitude Adjustment, my flaming brocade would be called Dancing Waterfall or Late-Night Lasik. Instead of Big, Fat Hissee Fit, I’d name the big finale The Star-Spangled Burner. Maybe I’d just name the pyrotechnics after the result they produce, like Screaming Shingle Burner, Toddler’s Terror or Party Crasher.

Not all fireworks live up to the hype of their names, unfortunately: The Redneck Ruckus hardly rose to the occasion during last year’s festivities. Wrapped in a box covered with descriptors such as “raw,” “explosive,” “powerful” and “action-packed,” the Redneck Ruckus packaging practically cried out for a Lee Greenwood accompaniment, but turned out to be little more than a $28 fizzle. A Redneck Rip-off.

The barely legal Lock and Load, on the other hand, surpassed all expectations for a spectacular flaming display. Instead of the glittery wave of family-friendly pink and lemon stars advertised on the back, it went rogue, spewing a comet of gunpowder as it hastily pointed itself right at the neighbors’ drunken hot tub, screaming the entire length of its voyage toward the oblivious revelers next door.

Once its Scud-missile-like explosion had sounded, 10 car alarms went off like a chorus – unless that was merely the ringing in our ears. We fully expected to be arrested before the echoes had faded, but we weren’t. Instead, we had a lit punk, obnoxious neighbors who were now even louder and 23 more power-packed, heavy duty, mega shells remaining. What to do, what to do …

Over the past year, those neighbors, in their own annoying way, have prompted what has now become a ceremonial lighting of the punk, which has taken the original inventory of 24 shells to about half a dozen. Nothing says “your music sucks” louder or more efficiently than a sonic boom over your back patio at 1 a.m.

This Fourth, we’ll forget about the neighbors and come together as Americans, united by our shared appreciation of fireworks with names such as Fire Starters, Bad Decisions and Parole Violations. Names that mean one thing on Independence Day: Let freedom ring.

During the other 364 days of the year, they mean, “Hey, man, turn down your stereo.”

 

Edit ModuleShow Tags

Archive »You Might Like

What's Up in the 405

Our top 6 picks for fun stuff to do in and around OKC

Inside the Green Grow Expo

Learning the business of legal cannabis

February Must-Dos

Check out our top recommendations for fun stuff to do this month in the 405.

Add your comment:
Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags

Calendar

February 2019

Through March 2019, Oklahoma Contemporary is partnering with Madison Square Park Conservancy to bring Erwin Redl’s installation Whiteout to Campbell Art Park. Whiteout is comprised of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Campbell Art Park
NW 11th and Broadway
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Visitors to Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary will be able to let their imaginations run wild as they travel back in time with life-size animatronic dinosaurs along a half-mile...

Where:
Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
1 Nature Place
McKinney, TX  75069
View map »


Sponsor: Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
Telephone: 972.562.5566
Contact Name: Stephanie Jennings
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

The most adrenaline charged motorsports experience for families on the planet is back - Monster Jam is one of the only sports where male and female world-class drivers, some generational rivals,...

Cost: Tickets start at $15

Where:
Chesapeake Energy Arena
100 W. Reno Ave.
Oklahoma City, OK
View map »


Sponsor: FELD Entertainment
Telephone: 800.745.3000
Contact Name: Kasey Littlefield
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Through March 2019, Oklahoma Contemporary is partnering with Madison Square Park Conservancy to bring Erwin Redl’s installation Whiteout to Campbell Art Park. Whiteout is comprised of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Campbell Art Park
NW 11th and Broadway
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Through March 2019, Oklahoma Contemporary is partnering with Madison Square Park Conservancy to bring Erwin Redl’s installation Whiteout to Campbell Art Park. Whiteout is comprised of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Campbell Art Park
NW 11th and Broadway
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Through March 2019, Oklahoma Contemporary is partnering with Madison Square Park Conservancy to bring Erwin Redl’s installation Whiteout to Campbell Art Park. Whiteout is comprised of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Campbell Art Park
NW 11th and Broadway
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Through March 2019, Oklahoma Contemporary is partnering with Madison Square Park Conservancy to bring Erwin Redl’s installation Whiteout to Campbell Art Park. Whiteout is comprised of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Campbell Art Park
NW 11th and Broadway
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Through March 2019, Oklahoma Contemporary is partnering with Madison Square Park Conservancy to bring Erwin Redl’s installation Whiteout to Campbell Art Park. Whiteout is comprised of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Campbell Art Park
NW 11th and Broadway
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

JAKE OWEN Multiple chart-topping singer/songwriter Jake Owen’s new single “Down To The Honkytonk” is rapidly climbing the Billboard Country Airplay charts. Owen’s songs...

Cost: $50, $75, $100

Where:
Osage Casino's Skyline Event Center
Tulsa, OK

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Through March 2019, Oklahoma Contemporary is partnering with Madison Square Park Conservancy to bring Erwin Redl’s installation Whiteout to Campbell Art Park. Whiteout is comprised of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Campbell Art Park
NW 11th and Broadway
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

America’s largest interactive comedy murder mystery dinner show is now playing at the Skirvin Hilton Hotel. At The Dinner Detective, you’ll tackle a challenging crime while you...

Cost: $59.95

Where:
The Skirvin Hilton
1 Park Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: The Dinner Detective
Telephone: 866.496.0535
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...
Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit Module Edit ModuleShow Tags