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Social Security Impatience

The waiting is the hardest part



 



On a lark, the Beau and I tied the knot a month or two ago during a weekend in Santa Fe. The process went so smoothly, it felt more like a dress rehearsal than a legally binding agreement. Much as I dreaded bureaucracy and red tape, everything went off without a hitch. In a matter of an hour, we were newlyweds.
 

As we walked away from the courthouse, my mind was racing: I’d just signed on for a new name! I needed to get on Facebook to make it official. Ohhhh, if only it were that easy. To make things governmentally official, I’d have to start at square one – Social Security, the root canal of American existence.

Upon my return to work, I mentioned to a co-worker that I’d be going to the Social Security office one morning to present my ID and assorted documents. “Make sure your phone is fully charged,” he replied. “I went with my wife to change her name, and we were there for four hours.”

“I’ll go on a Tuesday while it’s raining. Maybe they won’t be busy then,” I said, still glowing from the effortless success of my Santa Fe nuptials.

With my phone fully charged, I set off for the Social Security office at Shepherd Mall. Google Maps had even suggested nearby parking, but once inside, I saw nothing that suggested the office had ever even been there. I did, however, work in my 10,000 steps as a mall walker while searching.

Nothing on the pickled-in-1990 Social Security website said, “Hey, fool – we moved.” I learned about the move by scrolling through the customer comments section on a third-party website – something I’d never do on a normal day. My eyes had only rolled back into my head three or four times before I saw the embittered customer comment that cracked the code. “You mother*#%@^$ need to update your &%&*# site! It’s on north Kelley now.” Thank you, and good day. Off I went, thinking, “This will be nice.”

I entered the relatively new building and quickly recognized the telltale signs that I was in the right place: security X-ray, armed guards, overabundance of cranky toddlers.

Once I cleared security, I would only have to answer a few preliminary questions on a touchscreen monitor before getting a ticket. A 20-inch monitor, located about 30 yards across the room, displayed the ticket numbers of the customers being served. The monitor indicated that customer N92 was on deck. I looked at my ticket: N185.

I selected a lightly cracked pleather chair, as far away from the open-mouth cougher as possible. Dimly lit and painted nicotine-stain yellow, the fairly new waiting room already had all the charm of an aging government office. It could just have easily been the set from a Tracy Ullman sketch. It was a sea of humanity, the huddled (unwashed) masses, the mother lode of people watching/people smelling.

In many ways, the waiting room was like a bingo hall. Customers sat, clutching their tickets, while an announcer called sets of letters and numbers. After waiting for hours and hearing every number ahead of them called in order, customers would still act surprised to hear their number. Staggering about in groggy disbelief, they’d ask bystanders, “Did he just say R112? What window did he say? I don’t know which window! Did he call R112?”

Hours – and I do mean hours – later, the announcer called N185. I couldn’t believe it! I stood up and looked around a sea of noisy walkers, house shoes and the germ-masked faces of my fellow captives. “What? Did he just say ‘N185’?” I asked.

“That’s what he said,” someone coughed back.

“That’s me! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO!” I shouted as I waved my winning ticket.

 

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Calendar

October 2019

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Cost: Free

Where:
Bicentennial Park
201 North Walker Ave.
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Cost: Free!

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View map »


Sponsor: Fred Jones Jr. Museum of Art
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More information

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Telephone: 405-815-9995
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Cost: Varies

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Cost: Free

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Cost: Free!

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View map »


Sponsor: Fred Jones Jr. Museum of Art
Website »

More information

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Cost: Free

Where:
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View map »


Telephone: 405-815-9995
Website »

More information

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Cost: $4-$6

Where:
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1000 Chisholm Trail Parkway
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View map »


Sponsor: Chisholm Trail Heritage Center
Telephone: 580.252.6692
Contact Name: Toni Hopper
Website »

More information

Willkommen to four days of Oompah (or Bavaria or Oktoberfest) in Oklahoma with nationally known German bands, authentic European foods, arts and  crafters MarktHaus, full carnival, and...

Cost: $7 in advance, $10 at the gate and FREE for children 12 and under

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View map »


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Website »

More information

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Cost: $50

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1 NE 3rd St
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View map »


Sponsor: ARTSPACE at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
Contact Name: Meredith Zerby
Website »

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Cost: Free

Where:
Sheraton Oklahoma City Downtown Hotel
1, N Broadway Ave
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More information

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Cost: $59.95

Where:
The Skirvin Hilton
1 Park Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: The Dinner Detective
Telephone: 866.496.0535
Website »

More information

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Cost: $8

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View map »


Sponsor: Nerfed Indoor Battle Arena
Telephone: 405-585-1321
Contact Name: Beau & Misty Dorrough
Website »

More information

Come pre-party with us on the patio this Saturday at the Sheraton Hotel. Enjoy our signature cocktail drinks and food bar menu. DJ Catherine Ouellette will be spinning your favorite tunes...

Cost: Free

Where:
Sheraton Oklahoma City Downtown Hotel
1 North Broadway Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »

More information

Professional instruction in the art of improvisation. Though some experience with improvisation is beneficial, all skill levels are welcome, no prerequisite classes.  Though sketch comedy...

Cost: $175 for the full term

Where:
The Paramount Room
701 W. Sheridan Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: The Space OKC
Telephone: 405-887-3327
Contact Name: AL Caveny
Website »

More information

Winner of four Tony Awards, including Best Musical Revival, HELLO, DOLLY! is the universally acclaimed smash that NPR calls “the best show of the...

Cost: Varies

Where:
Civic Center Music Hall
201 N Walker Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: OKC Broadway
Telephone: 405-594-8300
Website »

More information

Tired of the same old Halloween parties? Join Oklahoma River Cruises and let’s Haunt the River.  Enjoy the decorated boat, haunted tunes, light snacks and cash bar on board....

Cost: $35

Where:
Exchange Ave. Landing
1503 Exchange Ave.
Oklahoma City, OK  73108
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma River Cruises
Telephone: 405-702-7755
Contact Name: Che Loessberg
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...
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