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Bottoms Up!

Adjusting to life as the butt of time’s jokes



 



There was a time – never mind how long ago – that I could catch the eye of the occasional gentleman. Despite my fairly average appearance, I’ve often appreciated the friendly nod of the driver in the next lane at a red light, even during “the minivan years.”
 

Maybe it’s because I’m now older than half the drivers on the road, or maybe it’s because half the drivers on the road are looking at their cell phones, but the friendly nods of yore are fewer and farther between.

I was preoccupied by these thoughts a couple of weeks ago on my way to a doctor’s appointment when it occurred to me that most of the sands of time have slipped to the lower half of my hourglass. And while that may reduce the odds of a love connection with Jude Law at 33rd and Broadway, it means that I have become catnip to the medical professional; I’m at the perfect, fragile age at which doctors can warn me I should “do something now,” and I’ll believe them. Sign me up.

By the time I finished the doctor’s appointment, I had four more appointments lined up before checkout. I’m not sure whether there’s an age connection to this or I just exude a rare enthusiasm during my visits to the doctor, but for me, the concept of an “annual visit” used to mean a simple “one-and-done” doctor’s appointment. Now, the annual visit is more of an all-out kickoff party to an entire season of exams and procedures, accompanied by a good measure of lab work to set the mood.

Last month, after making a rather generous blood donation for said lab work, I got a message to call a doctor’s office, presumably to hear about the results. The voice on the recording dripped with honey and sounded exactly like Snow White. Finding an odd comfort in the melody of Snow’s voice, I called her back immediately.

Our conversation began as a sparkly, cheery exchange that painted a mental picture of Snow at her computer, typing with one hand as a bluebird perched on the other. Within seconds of verifying my birthdate, I sensed a shift in energy. Once I realized this conversation wasn’t even remotely connected to my lab results, the rest of the conversation went south. Way on south.

Snow was, in fact, a scheduling nurse for a proctologist. Faster than I could cross my legs, she launched into her spiel about booking my colonoscopy.
There was no turning back! I had participated in my own undoing. My attempts to feign static from a poor AT&T connection were wasted on Snow, forcing me to turn to my only defense: surliness.

“You know, if you’d said the word ‘colonoscopy’ in the message you left for me, I might not have been so snappy about calling you back,” I said accusingly to Snow.

She mustered a tone that suggested she might have been amused if she hadn’t heard that line a thousand times before. “It’s a tactic,” she giggled.

Apart from duping me into Hell’s waiting room, Snow was all business about my colon health. Point by point, she covered all the flavors of the napalm shakes I’d need to choke down during the days leading up to the appointment. I tried to negotiate my way out of the pre-cleanse ritual, citing vague religious reasons that I thought could get me a pass. Snow didn’t care. She showed even less interest in my tale (tail) of turbulent woe from my first ride on the pommel horse many moons ago. (Ass jokes – get your ass jokes here.)

I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Snow works on commission for a proctology conglomerate as one of a thousand Time-Life-Operator types, packed into a crowded call center where she, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty get to ring some kind of victory bell for every 100 appointments scored.

In defeat, I got Snow closer to the victory bell.

“Juuuuuuuune,” I sighed, knowing that the perfect, carefree month of blissful summer joys would now be tainted by dread. “Okay – does any particular day work better for you?” Snow chirped.

Why, yes, I replied … the day of the full moon.

 

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September 2018

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More than 20 speakers in a one-track session designed for the digital marketing professional, marketer, business owner or anyone interested in branding, PR, advertising, social media, SEO, search,...

Cost: $250

Where:
Tower Theatre
425 NW 23rd St
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
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Sponsor: BigWing
Telephone: 405.475.4185
Contact Name: Janelle Archer
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This year will mark the eighth time the John F. Kennedy Awards have been celebrated, honoring individuals making a significant contribution to Oklahoma, its communities and its people, while paying...

Cost: $300

Where:
Skirvin Hilton Hotel
1 Park Ave.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
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Sponsor: Santa Fe Family Life Center
Telephone: 405-840-1817
Contact Name: James Timberlake
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More than 20 speakers in a one-track session designed for the digital marketing professional, marketer, business owner or anyone interested in branding, PR, advertising, social media, SEO, search,...

Cost: $250

Where:
Tower Theatre
425 NW 23rd St
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: BigWing
Telephone: 405.475.4185
Contact Name: Janelle Archer
Website »

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Price Tower Art Gallery in Bartlesville will host Women Artists of the West's 48th annual juried art exhibition, featuring over 200 original art works, created by women in all mediums, subjects...

Cost: Free 2018-09-21,22,23

Where:
Price Tower Art Gallery
510 S. Dewey Ave.
Bartlesville, OK  74003
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Sponsor: Price Tower Arts Center
Telephone: 918.336.4949
Contact Name: Angelina Bourgou
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Escape the ordinary, and learn about OKC from a different point of view. Relax in the climate controlled cabin on one of our 65’ cruisers, or enjoy the breeze on the viewing deck and listen...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

Where:
Regatta Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
OKC, OK  73109
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Telephone: 405.702.7755
Contact Name: Business Office
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A fabulous art auction to raise money to help support Oklahoma A+ Schools at UCO.

Cost: $100

Where:
CHK|Central Boathouse
732 Riversport Dr.
Oklahoma City, OK  73129
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Sponsor: Oklahoma A+ Schools at UCO
Telephone: 405.974.3791
Contact Name: Heather Bryant
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The evening Cocktail Cruise offers stunning views of the downtown skyline, the Boathouse District and Finish Line Tower, the Wheeler Ferris wheel and quite possibly an amazing Oklahoma sunset. Come...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

Where:
Regatta Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
OKC, OK  73109
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Telephone: 405.702.7755
Contact Name: Business Office
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Join supporters in communities across the nation for the St. Jude Walk/Run to End Childhood Cancer during Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. This family-friendly event raises funds to support the...

Cost: $10 for adults or children six and older

Where:
Stars and Stripes Park
3701 S. Lake Hefner Drive
Oklahoma City , OK  73116
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Telephone: 405.403.7762
Contact Name: Emily Drover
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Let’s end childhood cancer. Together! This September, supporters across the country will unite to participate in the St. Jude Walk/Run to End Childhood Cancer, an exciting, family-friendly...

Cost: $10 for Registration

Where:
Stars and Stripes Park
3701 S Lake Hefner Dr
Oklahoma City, OK  73116
View map »


Sponsor: ALSAC St. Jude Oklahoma City
Telephone: 405.403.7762
Contact Name: Emily Drover
Website »

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Price Tower Art Gallery in Bartlesville will host Women Artists of the West's 48th annual juried art exhibition, featuring over 200 original art works, created by women in all mediums, subjects...

Cost: Free 2018-09-21,22,23

Where:
Price Tower Art Gallery
510 S. Dewey Ave.
Bartlesville, OK  74003
View map »


Sponsor: Price Tower Arts Center
Telephone: 918.336.4949
Contact Name: Angelina Bourgou
Website »

More information

Escape the ordinary, and learn about OKC from a different point of view. Relax in the climate controlled cabin on one of our 65’ cruisers, or enjoy the breeze on the viewing deck and listen...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

Where:
Regatta Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
OKC, OK  73109
View map »


Telephone: 405.702.7755
Contact Name: Business Office
Website »

More information

The evening Cocktail Cruise offers stunning views of the downtown skyline, the Boathouse District and Finish Line Tower, the Wheeler Ferris wheel and quite possibly an amazing Oklahoma sunset. Come...

Cost: $15 for Seniors and kids under 12, $20 Adults

Where:
Regatta Landing
701 S. Lincoln Blvd.
OKC, OK  73109
View map »


Telephone: 405.702.7755
Contact Name: Business Office
Website »

More information

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