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To the Spam Brigade

In search of Bomb Rocket Woman



 



It’s probably like this for you: Someone refers to an email you’re sure you never received. While scanning your junk folder, you scroll past an endless clambake of X-rated solicitations from sketchy senders.
 

A public service announcement is warranted here (mainly for my mom, who might recently have become engaged – by phone – to a Nigerian prince who is just days away from inheriting a very large sum of money): Don’t open those emails!

If junk folders were people, mine would be Sybil, of multiple personalities fame. It frequently heralds the great news that my line of credit has been approved, while accusing me of having a crippling gambling habit. It places equal value on the strength of both my abdominals and my financial future (the way a Nigerian prince might). It’s a one-stop shop for all the prescription drugs I’ll ever need – and never need – all at drastically reduced prices, without a prescription.

My junk folder seems to fret about the slightest degree of loneliness that could descend upon me before the night is over. It doesn’t give a flip that I’m neither a man nor a lesbian. It’s just betting high that I’m sad and alone somewhere, suffering from erectile dysfunction (which could be cured by the many beautiful Asian or Russian women who are online now and waiting to meet me).

The junk folder is also a conduit for many email senders who go to great emoji lengths to beg for a reply. Consider this article to be my reply, Love Swans, Asian Beauties Team, Angelina, Sexy Becca, Lonely Asian Girls, Anastasia Single Team, Kiss4You Team, Gorgeous Singles, Asia Charm, Love Sexy, Russian Dating, Ringing Ears, Fastest Fat Burner and Admin Service. I hope you’re reading.

 



<3 Mouna <3 sent a touching message in the subject line: Hi Laurenhammack, <3 I still love you! Please reply!! <3

Dear Mouna,
Thank you for your tender expression of enduring affection for me, but I don’t love you back.
 



Alex. (I guess the period is part of the name) writes: Hi, do you remember me?

Dear Alex.,
I do remember you – primarily because you sent the same message yesterday and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that…
 



<3<3 Romance Tale <3<3 writes: Are you still alone?

Dear Romance Tale,
Why, no, I’m not alone. Love Swans, Asian Beauties Team, Angelina, Sexy Becca, Lonely Asian Girls, Anastasia Single Team, Kiss4You Team, Gorgeous Singles, Asia Charm, Love Sexy, Russian Dating, Ringing Ears, Fastest Fat Burner and Admin Service are keeping me company 24/7/365.
 



Love Swans (a devoted emailer) asks: Looking for a gorgeous and a bomb Rocket woman?

Dear Love Swans,
Um, what? You’re not from around here, are you? I want to take a red pen to that freetranslation.com subject line of yours. Now that you’ve slipped into my email as unannounced as Jack Ruby, I’ll spend the rest of the night wondering:  a.) What the hell is a bomb Rocket woman?  b.) What would I do if I found one? and c.) Will I go to prison one day for having the words “bomb,” “Rocket” and “woman” appear multiple times on my hard drive?
 



With a promiscuous peppering of ALL CAPS, ORANGE PILL writes: SECRETS to perfect FEMALE satisfaction.

Dear ORANGE PILL,
You are being promoted to my inbox. Let’s discuss.
 


By far, the most intriguing message I’ve seen in my junk folder in years is one I received a week or two ago from a friend who died two years ago.

I’m too superstitious to open a message from the dead, but what if that’s all the junk folder really is – random, rapid-fire messages from the other side? Maybe our loved ones who have crossed over are worried about the size of our … well, you know … waistlines. Maybe they worry that we’re lonely or that we’re paying too much for Viagra. Maybe they really do know the secrets for burning fat and pleasing a woman. Maybe they can help me find a bomb Rocket woman.

 

 

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February 2019

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