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To the Spam Brigade

In search of Bomb Rocket Woman



 



It’s probably like this for you: Someone refers to an email you’re sure you never received. While scanning your junk folder, you scroll past an endless clambake of X-rated solicitations from sketchy senders.
 

A public service announcement is warranted here (mainly for my mom, who might recently have become engaged – by phone – to a Nigerian prince who is just days away from inheriting a very large sum of money): Don’t open those emails!

If junk folders were people, mine would be Sybil, of multiple personalities fame. It frequently heralds the great news that my line of credit has been approved, while accusing me of having a crippling gambling habit. It places equal value on the strength of both my abdominals and my financial future (the way a Nigerian prince might). It’s a one-stop shop for all the prescription drugs I’ll ever need – and never need – all at drastically reduced prices, without a prescription.

My junk folder seems to fret about the slightest degree of loneliness that could descend upon me before the night is over. It doesn’t give a flip that I’m neither a man nor a lesbian. It’s just betting high that I’m sad and alone somewhere, suffering from erectile dysfunction (which could be cured by the many beautiful Asian or Russian women who are online now and waiting to meet me).

The junk folder is also a conduit for many email senders who go to great emoji lengths to beg for a reply. Consider this article to be my reply, Love Swans, Asian Beauties Team, Angelina, Sexy Becca, Lonely Asian Girls, Anastasia Single Team, Kiss4You Team, Gorgeous Singles, Asia Charm, Love Sexy, Russian Dating, Ringing Ears, Fastest Fat Burner and Admin Service. I hope you’re reading.

 



<3 Mouna <3 sent a touching message in the subject line: Hi Laurenhammack, <3 I still love you! Please reply!! <3

Dear Mouna,
Thank you for your tender expression of enduring affection for me, but I don’t love you back.
 



Alex. (I guess the period is part of the name) writes: Hi, do you remember me?

Dear Alex.,
I do remember you – primarily because you sent the same message yesterday and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that…
 



<3<3 Romance Tale <3<3 writes: Are you still alone?

Dear Romance Tale,
Why, no, I’m not alone. Love Swans, Asian Beauties Team, Angelina, Sexy Becca, Lonely Asian Girls, Anastasia Single Team, Kiss4You Team, Gorgeous Singles, Asia Charm, Love Sexy, Russian Dating, Ringing Ears, Fastest Fat Burner and Admin Service are keeping me company 24/7/365.
 



Love Swans (a devoted emailer) asks: Looking for a gorgeous and a bomb Rocket woman?

Dear Love Swans,
Um, what? You’re not from around here, are you? I want to take a red pen to that freetranslation.com subject line of yours. Now that you’ve slipped into my email as unannounced as Jack Ruby, I’ll spend the rest of the night wondering:  a.) What the hell is a bomb Rocket woman?  b.) What would I do if I found one? and c.) Will I go to prison one day for having the words “bomb,” “Rocket” and “woman” appear multiple times on my hard drive?
 



With a promiscuous peppering of ALL CAPS, ORANGE PILL writes: SECRETS to perfect FEMALE satisfaction.

Dear ORANGE PILL,
You are being promoted to my inbox. Let’s discuss.
 


By far, the most intriguing message I’ve seen in my junk folder in years is one I received a week or two ago from a friend who died two years ago.

I’m too superstitious to open a message from the dead, but what if that’s all the junk folder really is – random, rapid-fire messages from the other side? Maybe our loved ones who have crossed over are worried about the size of our … well, you know … waistlines. Maybe they worry that we’re lonely or that we’re paying too much for Viagra. Maybe they really do know the secrets for burning fat and pleasing a woman. Maybe they can help me find a bomb Rocket woman.

 

 

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Calendar

April 2019

Meet all the Princesses at The Oklahoma City Fairytale Ball. This magical event is full of memorable moments you won't want to miss! Dance with Cinderella; read with Rapunzel; share sweet...

Cost: $25-$60

Where:
La Bella
6701 W Wilshire Blvd
Oklahoma City, OK  73132
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Sponsor: Pretty Princess Parties & Project Princess
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Cost: Free

Where:
Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
1 Nature Place
McKinney, TX  75069
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Sponsor: Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary
Telephone: 972.562.5566
Contact Name: Stephanie Jennings
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Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
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Telephone: 405.478.2250
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Saviour is a pop-classical oratorio which takes its audience from creation through resurrection and is a picture of God pursuing His people. Its unique and powerful music will showcase the Voices...

Cost: Free

Where:
Crossings Community Church - OKC Campus
14600 North Portland Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73134
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Sponsor: Crossings Community Church
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Cost: Free

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Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
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Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
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Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
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Oklahoma City, OK  73111
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Cost: $15 per person

Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
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Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
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Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
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Telephone: 405.478.2250
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Oklahoma City Community College's Paul W. Sechrist Signature Lecture Series will feature David Grann, the New York Times bestselling author of Killers of the Flower Moon. This lecture is free...

Cost: Free

Where:
OCCC Visual and Performing Arts Center Theater
7777 S May Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73159
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Sponsor: Oklahoma City Community College
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Cost: Free

Where:
Kendra Scott
5810 N Classen Blvd #2
Oklahoma City, OK  73118
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Sponsor: Kendra Scott
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The National Summit on Homeland Security Law, 2019, in collaboration with the American College of Environmental Lawyers (ACOEL), is bringing to you two days of programming presented by homeland...

Cost: $0-$125

Where:
Oklahoma City University School of Law
800 N Harvey Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
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Sponsor: Oklahoma City University School of Law
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Contact Name: Allison Rabon
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Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
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Telephone: 405.478.2250
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Cost: Free

Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
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Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
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Cost: $5

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amshot
428 Dean A McGee Ave.
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
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Sponsor: amshot
Telephone: 405.594.7642
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  Verbode Urban Core Artists: Local art show to benefit The Homeless Alliance opens at Verbode on April 18 A new art show, Verbode Urban Core Artists, will benefit The Homeless...

Cost: Free

Where:
Verbode Urban Core Artists
415 North Broadway, Suite 101
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
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Sponsor: Verbode, Valor Bank, Hive Design Team
Telephone: 405.604.7947
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Michael Sims established The Lawrence Lithography Workshop in 1979 in Lawrence, Kansas, as a contract printing and teaching facility for local and regional artists. He will show a collection of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
Oklahoma City, OK  73104
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Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
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In anticipation of the 2019 grand opening of The McKnight Center for the Performing Arts, New York Philharmonic Principal Trumpet Christopher Martin will join the Oklahoma State University Wind...

Cost: $10

Where:
Seretean Center
132 Seretean Center
Stillwater, OK  74078
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Sponsor: McKnight Center for the Performing Arts
Telephone: 405-744-9999
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Just in time for tax season, Carpenter Square Theatre presents “Death Tax,” Lucas Hnath’s darkly comic tale about death and taxes and how we live with both.  ...

Cost: $5-$25

Where:
Carpenter Square Theatre
800 W. Main
Oklahoma City, OK  73106
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Sponsor: Carpenter Square Theatre
Telephone: 405-232-6500
Contact Name: Rhonda M. Clark
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Cost: Free

Where:
Elk Valley Brewery
1210 N. Hudson Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
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Sponsor: VHSANDCHILL
Telephone: 405-503-0050
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1 NE 3rd st
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Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
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Cost: $0-$125

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Contact Name: Allison Rabon
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Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
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Skirvin Jazz Club is an immersive live music experience at the historic Skirvin Hotel in downtown Oklahoma City. We transform The Park Avenue Grill a swinging jazz club. We stage the band...

Cost: Free

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Park Avenue Grill @ The Skirvin Hotel
1 Park Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
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Sponsor: OkSessions
Telephone: 405.694.8843
Contact Name: Christian Pearson
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Just in time for tax season, Carpenter Square Theatre presents “Death Tax,” Lucas Hnath’s darkly comic tale about death and taxes and how we live with both.  ...

Cost: $5-$25

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800 W. Main
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Sponsor: Carpenter Square Theatre
Telephone: 405-232-6500
Contact Name: Rhonda M. Clark
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Where:
Artspace at Untitled
1 NE 3rd st
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Sponsor: Artspace at Untitled
Telephone: 405-815-9995
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Cost: 11.50

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Orr Family Farm
14400 S. Western Ave.
Oklahoma City, OK  73170
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Telephone: 405.799.3276
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Cost: $12.50

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Cost: $23.95

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3300 Market Pl
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Cost: $59.95

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The Skirvin Hilton
1 Park Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
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Sponsor: The Dinner Detective
Telephone: 866.496.0535
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Cost: $5-$25

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Contact Name: Rhonda M. Clark
Website »

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