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Strange Sights in Las Vegas

A laughable look at unnerving sights in Sin City



 



If you read Elaine Warner’s “Viva Lesser-Known Vegas” last month, you got a lovely snapshot of the Las Vegas my parents must have seen every summer on their annual trek to Sin City.
 

In the same way Christian holidays conveniently line up with pagan feasts of old, my parents’ vacations always aligned with golf tournaments of some kind. Their trips to Vegas were no different: My dad would head out to an all-day golf event, while my mom would park herself at a slot machine and stay there for eight or nine hours, confirming our suspicion on day-long car rides that she had a steel bladder.

With the exception of a brief financial report on my mom’s success (or not) with the slots, my parents never offered ancillary details about their stays in circa 1980 Gomorrah, and we never asked.

Whatever those particulars were, they couldn’t hold an LED candle to the sites of Vegas 2016 – the ones Elaine judiciously omitted from her depiction of the more quaint side of town. If my parents went to Las Vegas today, I’d meet them on the gangway and push them back onto the plane for their own good.

I’ve been to Las Vegas several times, most recently a couple of weeks ago. It’s a great city for many things beyond gambling – shopping and dining, to name two – but for my favorite pastime, people watching, it really doesn’t get any better than Vegas. I used to think it takes a lot to shock me, but this city always proves me wrong.

Before my most recent trip, the last time I was in Las Vegas was less than three years ago. Like all visits before it, it came with a front row seat to the 24/7 spectacle moving down the strip: loud, screaming, barely legal kids who are too drunk to feel the pellet I’d like to shoot into their ass; girls of all sizes stuffed into Size 0 sausage-casings-for-dresses; bright-eyed, innocent toddlers in strollers at 2 a.m., pushed by parents who have no intention of letting Junior’s bedtime stand in the way of an all-nighter with the unwashed masses; the armies of waist-high Asian grandmothers who click-click-click stacks of nudie trading cards for passersby.

This trip, on the other hand, was more eye-opening (and eyeball-burning). People have apparently decided that wearing clothes is too much of a hassle. Nearly the entire strip was just that: naked people. For everyone else, it looked like the Ill-Fitting Apparel convention was in town. An alarming number of people must have been painting the shed in the backyard, moments before deciding, “I think I’ll go to Vegas right now. This is what I’m wearing.”

Passing by a tattoo and piercing studio, I decided I should re-pierce my ears, something I’d been putting off for years. Before Trixie could impale my lobes, she had to ask some preliminary qualifying questions:

•    Was I at least 18 years of age?
    (Is the Botox that convincing?)

•    Was I acting on my own free will?
    (It’s not an act.)

•    Was I drunk, high or pregnant?
    (Well, the night is young …)

Next, all I had to do was sign a waiver as an agreement that, in the event Trixie was drunk, high or pregnant and messed up my ears, I wouldn’t get too bent out of shape about it. As I scanned the form, I noticed the list of available services the studio offers its clientele and, while I’m no prude, I do think there are some things better left un-tatted and un-pierced.

Cirque de Soleil, whose artfully ethereal performances of suspended agility always make for an entertaining outing with the family, had blanketed city billboards to promote their new show with an ad featuring a threesome. “You see kids, when Mommy and Daddy – and the other Mommy – really love one another … ”

I think the “What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas” campaign, besides being over-exposed and well beyond its sell-by date, represents the first point of departure from the sound judgment people leave behind with their Starbucks cups at the boarding gate.

Las Vegas Tourism and Visitors Bureau could nail it with an updated campaign slogan like “What Happens in Vegas Will Probably Require Stronger Antibiotics Than You Can Legally Obtain” or “Vegas: This Is What Happens When You Don’t Listen to Your Mother” or “Vegas: Bad Decisions Start Here” or “This may be Vegas, but you still need to put on a damn pair of Spanx® and learn the difference between a tunic and a dress.”

 

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Calendar

March 2019

Through March 2019, Oklahoma Contemporary is partnering with Madison Square Park Conservancy to bring Erwin Redl’s installation Whiteout to Campbell Art Park. Whiteout is comprised of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Campbell Art Park
NW 11th and Broadway
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
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Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
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Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

Why celebrate St. Patrick's Day for one day, when you can celebrate it for four? #405Brewing is excited to release THREE new beers leading up to St. Patrick’s Day! All three brews are...

Cost: Free

Where:
(405) Brewing Taproom
1716 Topeka St.
Norman, OK  73069
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Telephone: 405.760.5518
Website »

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Through March 2019, Oklahoma Contemporary is partnering with Madison Square Park Conservancy to bring Erwin Redl’s installation Whiteout to Campbell Art Park. Whiteout is comprised of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Campbell Art Park
NW 11th and Broadway
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

WEEK-LONG CAMPS: MAR 11 - 15 & MAR  18 - 22 2019 Join us this Spring Break as we present two exciting weeks of fun and creativity. Kids will love joining in with our performing...

Cost: $160

Where:
Oklahoma Children's Theatre
2501 N Blackwelder
Oklahoma Children's Theatre
Oklahoma City, OK  73106
View map »


Sponsor: http://www.oklahomachildrenstheatre.org
Telephone: 405.606.7003
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

From March 18-22, we are having a BLAST and celebrating the ultimate Spring Break! Buy an Ultimate Fun Wristband for anyone aged 8 and under and they can enjoy our additional attractions, the...

Cost: $28.95

Where:
Andy Alligator's Fun Park
3300 Market Place Dr
Norman, OK  73072
View map »


Sponsor: Andy Alligator's Fun Park
Telephone: 405.321.7275
Contact Name: Andy Alligator's MLK weekend fun!
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Through March 2019, Oklahoma Contemporary is partnering with Madison Square Park Conservancy to bring Erwin Redl’s installation Whiteout to Campbell Art Park. Whiteout is comprised of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Campbell Art Park
NW 11th and Broadway
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

From March 18-22, we are having a BLAST and celebrating the ultimate Spring Break! Buy an Ultimate Fun Wristband for anyone aged 8 and under and they can enjoy our additional attractions, the...

Cost: $28.95

Where:
Andy Alligator's Fun Park
3300 Market Place Dr
Norman, OK  73072
View map »


Sponsor: Andy Alligator's Fun Park
Telephone: 405.321.7275
Contact Name: Andy Alligator's MLK weekend fun!
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Through March 2019, Oklahoma Contemporary is partnering with Madison Square Park Conservancy to bring Erwin Redl’s installation Whiteout to Campbell Art Park. Whiteout is comprised of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Campbell Art Park
NW 11th and Broadway
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

From March 18-22, we are having a BLAST and celebrating the ultimate Spring Break! Buy an Ultimate Fun Wristband for anyone aged 8 and under and they can enjoy our additional attractions, the...

Cost: $28.95

Where:
Andy Alligator's Fun Park
3300 Market Place Dr
Norman, OK  73072
View map »


Sponsor: Andy Alligator's Fun Park
Telephone: 405.321.7275
Contact Name: Andy Alligator's MLK weekend fun!
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Through March 2019, Oklahoma Contemporary is partnering with Madison Square Park Conservancy to bring Erwin Redl’s installation Whiteout to Campbell Art Park. Whiteout is comprised of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Campbell Art Park
NW 11th and Broadway
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

From March 18-22, we are having a BLAST and celebrating the ultimate Spring Break! Buy an Ultimate Fun Wristband for anyone aged 8 and under and they can enjoy our additional attractions, the...

Cost: $28.95

Where:
Andy Alligator's Fun Park
3300 Market Place Dr
Norman, OK  73072
View map »


Sponsor: Andy Alligator's Fun Park
Telephone: 405.321.7275
Contact Name: Andy Alligator's MLK weekend fun!
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Through March 2019, Oklahoma Contemporary is partnering with Madison Square Park Conservancy to bring Erwin Redl’s installation Whiteout to Campbell Art Park. Whiteout is comprised of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Campbell Art Park
NW 11th and Broadway
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

From March 18-22, we are having a BLAST and celebrating the ultimate Spring Break! Buy an Ultimate Fun Wristband for anyone aged 8 and under and they can enjoy our additional attractions, the...

Cost: $28.95

Where:
Andy Alligator's Fun Park
3300 Market Place Dr
Norman, OK  73072
View map »


Sponsor: Andy Alligator's Fun Park
Telephone: 405.321.7275
Contact Name: Andy Alligator's MLK weekend fun!
Website »

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

The Rightly So is extremely excited to be returning to Red Brick Bar - no cover! The Rightly So is an acoustic americana duo from Buffalo, NY. Combining the sounds of classic folk and rock with...

Cost: Free

Where:
Red Brick Bar
311 E Main St
Norman, OK  73069
View map »


Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Through March 2019, Oklahoma Contemporary is partnering with Madison Square Park Conservancy to bring Erwin Redl’s installation Whiteout to Campbell Art Park. Whiteout is comprised of...

Cost: Free

Where:
Campbell Art Park
NW 11th and Broadway
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
View map »


Sponsor: Oklahoma Contemporary
Telephone: 405.951.0000
Contact Name: Lori Brooks
Website »

More information

Welcome to the happy-shining, phoenix-rising, reunited world of classic Smash Mouth in 2018. For the first time in nearly a decade, all five members of what is widely considered the...

Cost: $50, $75, $100

Where:
Osage Casino's Skyline Event Center
Tulsa, OK

More information

Men and women from across the American West played critical roles - both “over there” and on the home front - in helping the Allies win World War I. The National Cowboy & Western...

Cost: $12.50

Where:
National Cowboy & Western Heritage Museum
1700 Northeast 63rd Street
Oklahoma City, OK  73111
View map »


Telephone: 405.478.2250
Contact Name: Jenni
Website »

More information

America’s largest interactive comedy murder mystery dinner show is now playing at the Skirvin Hilton Hotel. At The Dinner Detective, you’ll tackle a challenging crime while you...

Cost: $59.95

Where:
The Skirvin Hilton
1 Park Ave
Oklahoma City, OK  73102
View map »


Sponsor: The Dinner Detective
Telephone: 866.496.0535
Website »

More information

Brace yourself; The End Is Coming. Oklahoma popstress Layers of Pink is taking the show across the United States in light of her debut release, "The End Is Coming" EP. Come see (and hear)...

Cost: $5

Where:
Blue Note Lounge
2408 N Robinson Avenue
Oklahoma City, OK  73103
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Sponsor: Layers of Pink
Telephone: 405.837.7455
Contact Name: Dustin Fox
Website »

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