An Open Letter to My Would-Be Husbands …
Long before there was Bob Hammack, I kept and cultivated a mental list of potential husbands who, I thought, might make worthy contenders for the job of Mr. Lauren. This month’s special wedding section has stirred up some ghosts of marriages that never happened – well, except a few dozen times in my mind.
It seems as good a time as any to write an open letter to the also-rans, who, if they had ever known I existed, might still be pining and brooding over the missed opportunity of our happily ever afters.
Dear Bobby, David, Donny, Greg, Tony, that guy from the Bay City Rollers, John 1, Robby, Scotty, John 2 and Rob,
We’ve been through a lot, the 12 of us. Sitcoms, soap operas and Tiger Beat magazine brought us together and, although our love was strictly one-sided, I thought we had a shot at happiness.
As I mentally engraved our wedding announcements, I also rehearsed a few vows that I’d like to memorialize for you here. (Bob Hammack said it’s OK, right before he retreated to the other room to guffaw.)
Bobby Sherman: For you, my first crush, I would have gladly changed my name – not to Lauren Sherman, but to Julie, Julie, Julie. You wore your leather choker to our wedding, where I promised to love you forever, but I never counted on David Cassidy.
David Cassidy: Knowing you were singing “I Think I Love You” to me and me alone, I took steps to seal our fate by cutting out all the photos of you from the pages of Tiger Beat, when I wasn’t interpreting your secret messages to me on “The Partridge Family.” Had you only married me like you should have, you’d still have your shag haircut and those unfortunate mug shots of you on the Internet would never have happened.
Donny Osmond: I couldn’t wait for our wedding reception, where you and the other Osmond brothers would be performing all my faves … OK, both of my faves – “Puppy Love” and “Go Away, Little Girl.” The fact that you’ve remained hot all these years only makes me more sure that we could have made it work, D.
Greg Brady: Our standing date at 4:00 CST Monday through Friday solidified my love for you, despite your occasional abuse of striped pants and your reckless use of the word “groovy.” Our pre-nup included a long-standing write-in part for me as one of the Bunch. I didn’t think you’d mind.
Tony deFranco: Every now and then, I remind my children – who all know the words to “Heartbeat, It’s a Love Beat” – that you and Andy Gibb (RIP) came closer than any of the others to being Mr. Lauren. Out of devotion for you, I have stalked you online for several years. You’re not out of the running.
The One Cute Guy from the Bay City Rollers: You know who you are. Ours was a brief, but intense, courtship. It may not have lasted beyond S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night, but it was a good run.
John Travolta: You were just my boyfriend during the “Welcome Back, Kotter” phase of our relationship. It wasn’t until you changed your name to Danny Zuko that I was willing to purchase a black leather jacket and become Lauren Zuko. It has a nice ring to it.
Robby Benson: Our “Ice Castles” wedding would have taken place on the ice, of course, minus the long-stemmed roses strewn about. In preparation for our winter wonderland nuptials, I took up ice skating for a solid three years.
Scotty Baldwin from “General Hospital”: Laura ditched you for the much less fetching Luke, which moved you to the front of my receiving line of fiancés. I had plans to repair your broken heart – you would never have gone crazy and turned into a villain if you’d only heard my silent prayers for our life together during the summer of ’81.
John Stamos and Rob Lowe: Nothing has changed. Please send inquiries to firstname.lastname@example.org. My bridesmaids are standing by.
Your adoring fiancée,
Lauren Sherman Cassidy Osmond Brady deFranco Whatever Zuko Benson Baldwin Stamos Lowe Hammack