Everyone knows Necco – the Massachusetts-based New England Confectionery Company – by its famous Valentine candy, Sweethearts. The iconic-but-chalky heart-shaped candies are the original confections of affection, each stamped with sugary sentiments of love.
Are these sentiments exactly what you might have said if you’d only troubled yourself to think up your own expression of love for someone special? If you’re not much of a talker anyway, then yes. If your proclamations involve more than two words, however, candy conversation hearts leave considerable room for interpretation. “What’s the underlying message?” your desired one wonders.
As a token of my undying love for you, dear reader, I’ve set about taking a closer look at the “unwritten” messages of these Tums-esque hearts. You can thank me with chocolates for keeping Cupid’s arrow from taking a wrong turn in your general direction this Valentine’s Day.
Here are the actual messages in the box of hearts I’m crushing with my pointy, crowned molars as I write this.
This could mean…
The giver has surrendered all rational thought because of the unbridled love s/he feels for you. Aww!
It could also mean…
The giver has surrendered all rational thought and behavior and has recently tattooed your name (with a rose) on his/her shoulder blade and decaled your name (with a rose) on the passenger’s side of his/her lake patrol truck. The giver spent all morning moving into your house (surprise!) and canceled your cable subscription so you two could cuddle more. Oh, and your Facebook account is being hacked right this minute.
This could mean…
The giver is inviting you to join him or her in your first kiss, or possibly, the giver is fondly recalling the first kiss the two of you shared. Aww!
This could also mean…
The giver is the 40-year-old virgin and this Valentine’s Day the stars have aligned in such a way that you are his or her first kiss. Ponder the irony, hang onto your tonsils and get him home to Mom before nine.
This could mean…
The giver sees this as a sweet term of endearment for you and s/he wants to cradle you lovingly in his/her arms. Aww!
This could also mean…
The giver hasn’t had a human date in years. Your hair plugs still haven’t taken off. One of you suffers from incontinence.
This could mean…
The giver believes that you hold the highest ranking in his or her book. Aww!
This could also mean…
The giver believes you have a lot of room for improvement, since the scale was out of 100.
This could mean…
The giver sees you as his girlfriend. Aww!
This could also mean…
The giver has confused you for chattel. The giver is a former member of the Temptations and might know Rick James.
This could mean…
Both you and the giver are probably still too young to appreciate mature love.
This could also mean…
The giver has come dangerously close to calling you a dog. One of you has puppy breath and the other one likes it. The giver is Donny Osmond. Jackpot!
This could mean…
The giver wants to be reminded of you throughout the day and s/he has an unlimited texting and data plan.
This could also mean…
The giver couldn’t find a candy heart big enough to say: We need to talk … I think we could both use a little time apart. It’s not you – it’s me. Well, actually, it IS you. I still love me. If you love someone, set them free. Be free. The less in-person contact, the better. I haven’t had a human date in years, but you already ate the Baby Doll heart.
This could mean…
The giver is in love with another female and a couple of sadists around the Necco writers’ table have brainstormed the perfect artificially colored and flavored opportunity to break the news to you. The giver will now see himself to the door, late as he is for another date. You are at risk of loathing this totally manufactured holiday until the end of time. You will, however, polish off the rest of that box of Sweethearts.
This could also mean…
Nothing else.
Want to comment on Lauren’s tales or share some of your own? Write to her at lauren.hammack@sliceok.com.
